and what have you done?

Often, I feel as though I just do not do enough; oh, I do plenty for myself, don't get me wrong; it's doing for others that seems to roil itself into that sick-acidic-ball in the middle of my stomach. I want to do more for others, I just don't. I have all sorts of excuses ranging from being too busy to not feeling well to not having enough money, to...well, you get the idea, n'est pas? I need to get up off my duff, which is pretty much it's own solar system (HEED, PANTS NOW!!) at this point; the volunteering muscle could be well-used. As everyone knows, I can do plenty of stuff - some of it fairly well - I should share my multitude of talents and my wealth of knowledge with others. I would feel more Christ-like; I would be less self-centered; I would be more aware of the plight of my fellow man. So, in truth, I see that this would simply result in my being a better version of what I already am...nobody wants that, right? I'll make some sort of decision about it later; right now, I have no money and no time, and I really feel like I'm coming down with something.

and, so, this is Christmas

Christmas is a difficult holiday, but I truly enjoy it tremendously - mother issues and all. Most of the childhood memories that I am able to face have to do with December 25th, and many of my adult memories are filled with the joy of that day. I can laugh at the homemade-ornament-debacle of 2001 and the great-artificial-tree-debate of 2002 - oh, yeah, I am just splitting a gut right now thinking about those - NOT! But I am starting to find them mildly amusing, and that's progress. I am hoping that it is progress in the right direction.

comfort and joy

So, last Christmas, I received a RED ipod from my superfantastic daughter, and this year, in the weeks preceding Christmas, I have had carols and hymns to follow me all around the house. I cannot begin to express how much joy I have found in this - the music lifts up my soul in the most comforting way. So, to my dearest girl, thank you this year for the gift last year - you have brought the soothing expression of music, simple as it is, back into my life, and along with it, peace in my heart. I love you.

Heal thyselves

Really, I do not want to remain on this topic or in this place for an extended period of time, but I must say that this is the Blackest Friday I have known in many, many years.

Anyone who knows me even just a little bit, knows of my great love for baseball, a game I have always believed to be one of the few really pure team activities. Truly, although I adore my Giants, I love the GAME. What a sad day for all of us who feel this way; the Mitchell Report has blown a whole through my heart. I knew it was coming; I knew there were dirty players, but DAMMIT!!!

Coming soon to a bookstore near you

To borrow one of my favorite daughter-phrases, "the problem with me is" I am a true teacher at heart - while I may not do much of anything correctly, I absolutely KNOW how most anything SHOULD be done - I can teach everyone everything! This is why I am hoping to write a guide book - "The Things I Know That Apparently No One Else Does." It will be a compilation of my vast knowledge about some of the little-used shortcuts to take to virtually any Costco, the best way to maneuver through Target, the most efficient waiting-in-line protocol, and the proper etiquette on pretty much all there is for which etiquette is necessary. Clearly, my help is required.

Having recently read a blog (http://www.rebalala.blogspot.com/ - quite excellent) invoking Grace Kelly, I got to thinking about grace and what it means and the tremendous power of the word itself.

I have never had what you might call grace, in terms of gracefulness (much to my mother's great dismay, try though I did to stand on my toes or pretend that I could complete a Pirouette or an Entrechat), but I find that my life is filled with grace, the kind that comes only from God. I do not have this of my own accord, and sometimes, I do not have it at all, but on occasion, I see it weaving its way through the most difficult parts of my life. There is much that would not happen, that I would find unlivable, that I would be incapable of surviving, if it were not for grace.

Not knowing how to respond or defend or give proper expression to that which remains unsaid, I fall upon grace to find the words, the armour, the way, and more-often-than-not, it picks me up and moves me along. Sometimes, it's the only way I can walk at all, with grace, if without gracefulness.

some women I know

As I was falling happily to sleep last night, I was thinking about the ways in which we conduct ourselves in the world - how we protect ourselves, why only certain facets of our lives are available for public consumption, the huge barriers we erect until we are ready to go crashing through them. These things were finding their way through the labyrinth that is my mind for many different reasons, mostly because there are women who are not quite prepared, just yet, to see what faces them on the other side of those walls, but one day they might be.

I have said before, and do still believe, that it IS about the destination and the journey, not so much. I have gone down roads that led nowhere, found places that I did not need to visit, gained knowledge that I had no business knowing. Yes, these false starts may have made me stronger/wiser/better, but what I had to do was go headfirst through the morass that led to the bridge that took me, finally, to the layer of bricks and mortar that I had to travel beyond...I had to get THERE.

Everyone's "there" is different, some only slightly and others so far removed that it is barely recognizable to the human eye. The personal path we all take to where we each need to go is our journey, our memories, our life. But getting to the other possibly-not-greener pasture is the destination which allows us, at last, to be free. It does require some tree demolition and concrete sandblasting (there may even be a scythe involved); the work IS necessary, I'll give you that, but it's what we do upon arriving at our destination, that permits us, finally, to be our true selves. I wish/hope/pray that, as difficult as some things are to overcome, women who need to break through and get "there" will find the required stamina along the rutted road of their personal journey. It's worth ruining a few pairs of good shoes.

I Ain't Packin' Up Anytime Soon

It has come to my attention that a relationship is helped to survive considerably if one of the people involved has optimistic tendencies, believes that there is more good than evil in the world, strives to find that goodness in everyone and everything. In the incident of my own marriage relationship, that person would be my husband; it can't be me; it's a mere process of elimination situation. Again, this may be something that I should have likely discerned long ago; again, a bit slow on the uptake, but, in order to arrive at certain places, I am required to recognize/admit/embrace certain aspects of myself of which I am not particularly proud, but do not necessarily want to change. (Oh, the things that swirl around in my head - it's really not pretty!) It's the whole domino effect; if I change this, how will it affect that; if A+B no longer equals the familiar C, what does the new (possibly - but also not - improved) C look like/mean/require from me? Maybe it all just comes down to laziness or pessimism or some other negatively-connotated word, but I prefer to call it reality - that's the home of my denial, and I am comfortable there, why move?

The Best JJ Ever!!

A Trooper

So, the dentist wishes that more of his patients ("well, people in general, really") were like me - "a real trooper." I have believed for many, many years that I have a high tolerance for pain - ask anyone who knows me, I brag about this tremendous gift on a fairly regular basis. The fact is, however, that I do not have an immense threshold for being hurt; I simply learned as a very young child not to let the pain show. The ideal is to just cowboy up and deal - take any abuse they can inflict in their various manners of execution - shut-up about it. No one can hear, see, know what is happening; just accept what you deserve, or don't, it doesn't really matter. So, as the drill and saw and needle were working their way through my jaw, I did what I always do, what I have done since I can remember - I counted, I prayed and I imagined scenarios of a later - better - safer life. This is how I accept what is coming to me, how I deal with unpleasantries, how I cope with pretty much anything that causes me pain. As a result, I can do all sorts of math operations in my head, can recite the rosary efficiently sans beads and have lived many, far-more-interesting-than-my-actual-life versions of existence; in other words, I did get some valuable results from whatever hurtful experiences I have known.

Perhaps, you are thinking that I should have realized this long ago - far before reaching the age of 50ish, and, perhaps, I am thinking that you are right. That does not change anything - I only fully realized this fact of my life yesterday. It was a bit disconcerting and disappointing to finally understand - and believe - that I do not have a super-human-pain-tolerance; I am only a product of my environment; I only grew into what I was destined to become. Having often thought that I was meant to have a life that is not what I now claim as my own, I find some comfort in seeing that I am who I set-out to be.

Out of desperation or lack of hope or a simple belief that I am a child of God, I have a life that is worthy of living. I know how to cope with whatever is flung my way. My child-learned-forced-to-be-silent voice now screams to be heard - out of desperation or hope - and I can do complex math in my head.

Things are better now than they were before

As soon as you believe there was someplace in the past where things were better than they are today, you won't operate at your full potential now. You are where you are, and if you aren't, it's probably a good idea to figure out how to get to yourself.

one red paperclip

kyle macdonald

What would I change if I could? There is, at the precise identical moment, the exact same thing that I would make different and that I would pray to remain the same. It makes no sense at all and so much sense at the same time. Having a long-pleaded for prayer answered is the beginning and an end. In saying hello to what is freshly laid before us, we must say good-bye to that which is now behind us. I want to begin anew, say hello all over again; maybe not be so needy this next time through; maybe try to be better on my own two feet. I cannot do that - here is where I find myself, and I am both happy and sad about the outcome.

playin' on my ipod...

...whilst I'm making orange-banana muffins and banana bread:

Billy Joel: Still Rock and Roll To Me

What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
Can't you tell that your ties too wide?
Maybe I should buy some old tab collars?
Welcome back to the age of jive.
Where have you been hidin out lately, honey?
You can't dress trashy till you spend a lot of money.
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but its still rock and roll to me.


Elton John: Blue Eyes

Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home, and I am home again.


Simon and Garfunkel: The Boxer

Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me
I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be, thats not unusual
No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same
After changes we are more or less the same

Li la li...

And I'm laying out my winter clothes, wishing I was gone, goin home
Where the New York city winters aren't bleedin me, leadin me to go home

In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
Yes he still remains.


Garth Brooks: Thunder Rolls

She's waitin' by the window
When he pulls into the drive
She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive
But on the wind and rain
A strange new perfume blows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes
And he knows that she knows
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls

The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls

She runs back down the hallway
To the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol
Kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in the mirror
He won't do this again
Cause tonight will be the last time
She'll wonder where he's been
And the thunder rolls
And the the thunder rolls.



Nice little variety of good music, thank you very much!

but there's this...

76. I need validation too much.
77. Most of the time, too much of something is really too much.
78. I like to think that I have let go, but it may be of the wrong things.
79. Growing-up, no matter how old you are, is wrought with pitfalls and false floors and all manner of obtuse things. Grow-up anyway.
80. Being the person that I should be is not as close to the person that I am as I would like it to be.
81. I don't like being misunderstood.
82. Going back to not asking is probably a safer road to take at this point.
83. Outside still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does.
84. What is to become of us?
85. While change isn't always good, sometimes, it really is.
86. I don't remember the Alamo, and I don't care.
87. Weekends are starting to be kinda crappy.
88. I don't have to just go along if I don't want to just go along.
89. I thought for a second that life was getting easier. I was mistaken.
90. Mail is becoming less and less interesting.
91. I'd like to take a break from myself for a while; I can be pretty intense.
92. What appears on the surface to be easy or simple or comfortable may be none of those things.
93. If you don't want to know, don't ask. There's a good reason for me keeping a lot to myself.
94. It's not crazy or ironic or incongruous to feel lonely when you're not alone.
95. Sometimes being tired is simply that. I don't think that a good nap has ever really hurt anyone.
96. I don't think that anyone outside of San Francisco really gives a shit about Barry Bonds.
97. I adore the Giants. I do not give a shit about Barry Bonds.
98. Eventually, I hope that I will turn the corner.
99. Maybe I should start by going back to mass on a regular basis.
100. Some things are just too firmly ingrained; I cannot get beyond some of those.

also...

51. Omar!
52. I don't know that preparation really alleviates any anxiety.
53. It is often much more challenging to be bad than to be good.
54. My checkbook is quite the mess.
55. I don't care that my checkbook is quite the mess - my, how I've grown!
56. It makes no difference that the Giants do not have an icecap's opportunity in a satanical cult, I still love to see them win.
57. Speaking of which, I wish that I could ice skate.
58. Mostly, I remain the 15 year-old-girl-I-used-to-be, and that's not necessarily an awful thing.
59. Being a mama is the most vital role I play in my life...well, not so much playing as honestly trying to figure it out as I hobble along.
60. I should not have ended the above with a preposition - that is something that bothers me tremendously, but to prove I can overcome, I am not going to change it.
61. Having animals in my life has been a tremendous joy, and I thank my husband for that.
62. Homegrown is almost always better than store-bought.
63. When I have purchased the last 3 items, I will be completely done with my Christmas shopping.
64. I will still buy more, though.
65. This is the first summer that I have actually left the air-conditioning on - it has been significantly more pleasant within the narrow walls of my existence.
66. Playing Scrabble is a creative outlet for me; losing at Scrabble is not something that I take lightly.
67. Actually, I am somewhat frightened that I am not quite as smart as I used to be...or at least, I thought I was.
68. I love my little family.
69. I hope that I will live the rest of my life somewhere else.
70. Being an American does make be proud but not in a haughty sort of way.
71. I wish that I could sing at church with the complete lack of embarrassment of which my husband is capable. (Yes, I originally typed, "which my husband is capable of." I went back and changed it - I am capable of overcoming, but I am not completely void of reason!)
72. I am standing very close to the edge most days.
73. Peets over Starbucks.
74. Before I take an axe to my bangs, I need to get a haircut - an axe is not quite as desperate as it might seem.
75. Entourage is one of the funniest shows...ever.

and then..

26. I enjoy a good waffle for breakfast...and sometimes for dinner.
27. By outward appearances, my life is organized, but all is chaos in my head.
28. I do not always ignore the voices.
29. The virtue of a clean house may be a slight bit exaggerated, not so a clean soul.
30. Except for one or two exceptions, people know pretty much all there is to know about me.
31. No one wants to know the 1 or 2 things that they don't.
32. Happy is a good color on my child.
33. I only recently came to comprehend Ben as the better choice.
34. Don't marry someone you don't love - sometimes love is all you have on which to survive.
35. Maybe my growing-up wasn't as bad as I remember.
36. But maybe it was.
37. I wish my meme were still alive.
38. Who takes the road not taken if it's not taken?
39. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing, but I always opt for knowing anyway.
40. I do not understand time.
41. People depend on me - sometimes that pressure is more than I can adequately sustain.
42. I miss Allie.
43. I should pay more attention.
44. Sleep is one of the few things that is not overrated.
45. I am seriously trying to exist.
46. You can't fully understand until it's happened to you - that's probably okay.
47. Often I am frightened by things or people or places - it has not always been thus.
48. While I can read about it, I do not, generally, appreciate a gory murder scene in a movie.
49. The circle of life is not so much a circle as an oval.
50. Light over darkness every time.

about me - because I can

1. I really like pizza.
2. Although all my sibs have middle names, I do not have one. This has always greatly disturbed me.
3. I made sure my child had a middle name.
4. I like lamb, but don't eat it very often.
5. Organization skills are severely under appreciated.
6. I love my husband.
7. My daughter is my superhero.
8. I am depressed a lot, but I'm happy.
9. Making sense is dramatically over-rated.
10. It is about the destination.
11. Red is the best color....ever.
12. Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch is a true man at his very best.
13. Life is not necessarily what you make it.
14. For me, it's a toss-up between cherries and watermelon.
15. Having it all is much too sinful, but I wouldn't mind having a little.
16. I question Catholicism but not my Catholic faith.
17. Size does not matter.
18. I wish I was healthier.
19. There are not many things I would like to do over.
20. Almost everything I would like to do over has to do with my child.
21. I could have been a much better mommy.
22. I think that I would like to live in the country, but where would I shop?
23. I like to shop.
24. I have very few really great friends.
25. I have two really magnificent relatives.

Failing Course

I feel as though I have just flunked a very important test. I studied hard, did fairly well on the quizzes, attended pertinent lectures. I have still fallen way short of where I should be. I do not know if it's worth taking it over; it really does not seem like it, not today anyway.

My Left Foot

As I was cleaning up my ridiculously-sad-looking toenails following a later-than-usual shower this morning, after a marathon polishing session with my daughter this evening past, it occured to me that my depressed tootsie nails looked significantly worse than my right hand fingernails that have been styled by my so-not-dominant left hand. (Now, there's a sentence for you!) Which brings us, at last, to my finely-whittled point: my toenails are so poorly-polish-covered, they appear to have been saloned by, not my left hand, but, rather, my left foot.

(Feel free to read this entry again - it's tough to resist, I know.)

I would say

No. We cannot reconcile. I am a different person, not the weak and weepy child you turned me into; that is not me anymore. I cannot abide your lies and your lack of emotion and your bullying. I cannot be around the evil; it makes me evil too. I have a soul and eternity to worry about; so, I must first worry about my life in the present. If I could, this is what I would have said when I was the child you would not defend: no.

So, the haze is beginning to fade, ever so slightly. The tunnel is not quite so gloomy; I'm still in it, but can see that there may, possibly be a way out. I am not quite convinced, however, but there is, at least, hope now.

Laugh track

I think that I need to know that I am appreciated...I need to know that people think I'm funny....maybe I need to be appreciated for more than being funny, but maybe I'm not...funny, I mean...or appreciated. I think that I will need to want something else, something that maybe I can actually get.

Road to Hell, Paved, Good Intentions

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

Please feed the bear

I know that it's somehow wrong to want, - well, actually, need - the thank you or a little something like it. Honestly, I wish that I didn't; I would certainly feel better about myself, being altruistic and whatnot. What is it about this that I just cannot get over? Just let go, just do not care, just understand that it matters as little to others as it matters so greatly to me. My crooked little path is creeping deeper and deeper into the forest. If I don't turn around soon it will be too late; I'm running out of breadcrumbs.

I'd like to feel differently, truly I would, and I am working hard on that - progress, however, seems to be working against me, but I digress (even depressed, I'm funny!)...probably not even discernible at all to those around me. I guess that's as it should be; I'm hardly noticeable at all. Well, really, not so much me, as the interior, which needs a redo, I understand; I'm working hard on it.

I never knew how far down I was falling

Thanks to Meatloaf on this gorgeous Friday in the a.m.

For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dry
For giving me the answers when I'm asking you why
And my oh my
For that I thank you

For taking in the sun when I'm feeling so cold
For giving me a child when my body is old
And don't you know
For that I need you

For coming to my room when you know I'm alone
For finding me a highway and driving me home
And you gotta know
For that I serve you

For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall
For revving me up when I'm starting to stall
And all in all
For that I want you

For taking and for giving and for playing the game
For praying for my future in the days that remain
Oh lord
For that I hold you

Ah but most of all
For cryin' out loud
For that I love you

In the end, you really only have yourself. As I continue to breathe on the planet, it may seem that "others" are there inhaling and exhaling right along with me. The reality is, it's just me, and that sad fact is less obtuse the longer I survive. I'd like to believe that it is otherwise, that sharing is happening (and maybe it is, and I'm just oblivious to it), that I am not as outside as I see myself, but the world grows around me as I shrink within.

Baseball been berry berry good to me

As a little Father's Day gift, and as it was his revered Cardinals, the hubby and I went to the A's game last evening - St. Louis gave a sound 15-6 beating to the pauvre Oakland team. A good time was had by all, yes, indeed.

Lessons Learned

As I am fixing dinner this morning - yes, I AM one of THOSE people! - a song popped up on my ipod (I cannot say thank you enough times to me dearest child), and it isn't even Friday, that seems so in sync (JT et al) with what's been in my heart and on my feeble mind of late. I won't go into it....really not worth taking that journey into my head, trust me on this one! From Barbra Streisand:

don't give up
keep on looking deep inside
let your heartbeat
be your guide
cause there's a gift
for those who keep believing
you'll find what you've been needing
is right before your eyes
you'll hold the answer
in your hands
and then you'll know
you'll finally understand why
why did the right road
take that wrong turn
why did our heart break
and why'd we get burned
just like the seasons
there are reasons
for the path we take
there are no mistakes
just lessons to be learned

I am coming, at last, having passed many roads-not-taken and more than my share of paving-the-path-to-heaven-with-good-intentions, to grasp some small golden ring on the carousel and accept that maybe it's okay if I am happy from time-to-time. This has been way beyond a wayward journey, and those travelers that I have drug along with me will prayerfully agree, it has proven to be a valuable excursion, afterall. If only I can remember the lessons at the appropriate times, I think that I just might be okay.

Manger tout son soûl

I got tagged by pink cereal & raspberries, and now it's my turn to list my five favorite places to eat...here you go:

1. Alioto's - the absolute BEST place to enjoy friends, family and seafood in San Francisco!
2. Mimi's - the food is pretty good, but mostly, it is a place of comfort where I have met my two dearest friends many a morning over the last 16 years or so....
3. Baker's Square - for dessert only, but dessert is food!
4. Home - my husband's bbq is the GREATEST FOOD EVER!!
5. La maison de ma fille - My daughter makes things that I simply cannot - delectable pies, beautiful salads (that include home-made croutons - seriously!) - as I am of the easy-cake-and-cookies-afternoon-snack genre and the lettuce-and-tomatoes-voila-a-side-salad variety, I truly appreciate the effort and love that go into her most delicious tasty treats!

So, off we went to Vegas to live the high life for a bit - had a wonderful time, enjoyed Celine immensely, gambled very little and shopped quite a lot - it was rather marvelous. By Friday, however, hubby and I were ready to get back home, to our area of comfort, our own little slice of heaven, our puppies, our child.

Now, once again ensconced in the regular trials and moments of joy in my little life, I am, indeed, glad to be back. It is, though, a glimpse of Christmas morning after all the presents have been torn into, that certain kind of light filtering its way through the windows, when there is a tiny taste of letdown, of not quite what was expected, of not precisely, perfectly what was envisioned. It almost never is, and I am grateful...mostly.

Sunday was Mother's Day, and I was honored in the best possible way - my daughter, her boyfriend and my husband made the entire meal - no cooking or cleaning was required of me! Spending a few hours with the three of them made me feel wonderful inside - happy, a relatively unfamiliar sensation in my small portion of the world. I may have mentioned before that other people are not responsible for my happiness, but seeing my daughter in a good, loving relationship, certainly makes my heart cartwheel with sheer glee! While others are not "responsible," for making me joyful, their importance to me requires that they are finding peace and contentment and love in order for me to feel the same; their hurt and sadness has always been mine; so, it is with their joy.

Seated on this warm couch of love, encircled by my loving and loved family - I was honored in the best possible way.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

What do I do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?

Yep, Elton John (well, actually, lyrics by Bernie Taupin) certainly has something there. My mother can send me a million cards; she can have others express her regret with words she is, apparently, incapable of saying herself; "I'm sorry" is not in her make-up. Honestly, after talking to my daughter yesterday, it occurs to me - after she pointed it out! - that no matter what my mother says it will never be enough. The time for the words that I needed and longed to hear has passed; it is too late for this to be the relationship it should have been. I will not believe she is genuine or sincere or honest - she is calculating and manipulative and just plain mean. There was a time that I thought that, perhaps, she had no control over this; it was just the way she was, and she couldn't help it, couldn't help herself. The steps that I have taken on my way to forgiving her, have brought me along a road that led to a realization that my mother has chosen to be the way she is, just as we all make the daily decision to be who and what we are. In recognizing the parts of ourselves that may not be particularly positive or conducive to good relationships, we can decide to change; we can make ourselves better - but we have to want to; we have to care enough; we have to love others more than ourselves. That's hard to do when you are the navel of your universe!

LOS GIGANTES

What an incredible day!! The Giants had a NINE (9) run 5th inning - with Bengie Molina hitting TWO (2) 4-baggers in the same inning - I do not believe that I have ever seen a better baseball game. Having my husband and daughter there made it just about the most wonderful sports day in recent history! I adore the Giants, and I LOVE seeing them play in their house - oh!! and the 300 fans from Venezuela rootin' for my man, Omar - it was beeeaauuutifuuull!!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, dear Hubby!
Happy Birthday to you!

Thank you to Sarah, of PINK CEREAL AND RASPBERRIES fame, for the Five Questions!

1. What is your favorite memory?
Being able to hold my baby in my arms for the first time. It took a few days, an incubator and a lot of tears, but when it happened, I was overwhelmed with tremendous joy and an infinite, unbelievable love.

2. If you could go anywhere in the world, but you would have to stay there for a year, where would you go (and you can't pick anywhere within your home state)?
London, next to my own little place in my own little world, my favorite place in which to exist.

3. What do you like the most about yourself (interpret that as you will)?
This is quite difficult - there is so little. Let's see...I like that I am a mommy the most in terms of my identity. Physically speaking, I think that my hands are my best feature. Personality-wise, I like that I am a bit ballsy.

4. Who's your favorite daughter? j/k. If you could have had another child, what gender would you have wanted, and why?
WOW - another toughie. I love the daughter that I have so very much, it's hard to imagine that I could love another girl equally, but I believe that I could, and that is what I would want to have. My daughter would have had a good playmate, someone with whom to share her family life. Presuming that I would have this child with the same father, I would not want a boy, because I think my husband would have been much too hard on a son.

5. When you're feeing blue, what makes you feel better?
Rum and coke - haha - a phone call or text message from my girl - the mere thought of her puts a smile on my face!

If you'd like to play:
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”
-I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
-You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
-You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
-When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Goodbye

T = terrific

I = inquisitive

M = marvelous

M = meowing

Y = yackety

God bless you. I will love you always.

However

I watched the mother of a dead girl speaking at her only child's memorial service; the anguish and loss and profound grief so overwhelmed me. I, too, am the mother of an only child, a girl. I cannot say that I feel this woman's sorrow; I do not, cannot feel that; the mere thinking of such a tragedy is not something that my head or my heart can even begin to process. I'm so sorry it's you; I'm so glad it's not me - that fine line becomes invisible. But my sympathy for this woman, who lost her best friend, her beautiful child, her blessed daughter, runs deep and true.

I know that a parent of seven children feels this same sorrow. Yet, I have to believe that it is different, somehow. No other child will ever or can ever take the place of the one who has died; no matter how many children there are in the world, there is only one of each. But their babies depend on them to help cope with their sadness; the parenting must go on.

I am the sister of a boy who died. My mother's loss was tremendous, I know. She could not be a mom anymore. My brother died; my father took from me what my mother, in her unimaginable grief, could no longer give him. I not only lost my big brother, I lost my mother and myself as well.

But I don't know gone without good-bye

If I could reach the sky I'd bring her right back to your arms
Though I haven't seen your girl, she's forever in my life

BRIAN LITTRELL - GONE WITHOUT GOODBYE

Yes, I know that there are bigger things to worry about, and I have prayed for the students, faculty, families and gunman involved in the V-Tech massacre. But my world is very small, and in my bubble, I, indeed, understand that bad things happen to good people, and I do not blame God - there are bad people in the world, whether your world be as large as the world actually is or as tiny as my precious one.

The Giants bullpen is working my last nerve, as it is Matt Cain's, I am quite certain.

Yes, I know that there are more important things that happen in the world, heroes abound. But my world includes less than ten people that mean the world to me.

My daughter continues to fill my bubble with pride and joy and happiness. It is a wonderment to me that such a child could have magically and blessedly found her way out of a home that was not always what it should have been; we were all finding our way. She was able to help me grow up and come out (fairly) intact on the otherside, all the while, growing up herself and becoming this amazing woman. I thank her and our Blessed Mother for this; I am well aware that it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Yes, there are tragedies and there is the overcoming of them. But in my small world, these are the experiences and people that matter.

Oh my! As far as any random weekend goes, this last one was marvelous, darling! Now, you throw in Easter and my birthday, and I have to say this was one of the BEST WEEKENDS EVER! From the beginning (my 51st), to the middle (Easter Vigil...oh, and pie), to the end (Easter Sunday, dinner, a superb dessert, Leo, Mark, Matt and Jack - they weren't dessert, exactly...), it was SUPER FANTASTIC!

Thank you to my wonderful little family for all the love - I truly felt it in a big way!

Seeing the love shared between my child and her beau is a thing of beauty...I don't think there is anything that makes me quite as happy.

I BELIEVE

Another "stolen" entry - but some things just need to be said!

I believe -
. . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe -
. . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe -
. . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you should forgive them for that.

I believe -
. . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe -
. . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe -
. . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe -
. . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe -
. . that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe -
. . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe -
. . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe -
. . that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe -
. . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe -
. . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe -
. . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe -
. . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry.

I believe -
. . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe -
. . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe -
. . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe -
. . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe -
. . that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe -
. . two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe -
. . that your life can be changed in a matter of seconds by people who don't even know you.

I believe -
. . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe -
. . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

Thank you, Mr. Stewart

Forever Young

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
Surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
With a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
And in my heart you will remain
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young
Forever young
Forever young

And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young
For, forever young, forever young

3 not so beautiful things:
1. Shopping for an Easter outfit by myself...so, I didn't, and I won't.
2. Realizing that nothing is the way it's always been.
3. Feeling sorry for myself.

THREE BEAUTIFUL THINGS

In completely no particular order:

1. On Thursday last, my husband received a prestigious award for his work with juveniles, and in a few weeks, my daughter will be receiving an equally prestigious award for her work in youth leadership. (See how I put two beautiful things into one right there? That's the type of non-award winning writing of which I am capable!)

2. Baseball season starts tomorrow - I loves me some baseball, most especially, and some might say, obsessively, the GIANTS!

3. He loves her, and she loves him.

"Our childhood equipped us to deal with weirdness and trauma, but if something good happens,
we don't have a clue."

Marcia Preston
The Butterfly House

"That's Longer Than I've Been Alive!"

Yes, my dear, it certainly is - 29 years of marriage - what is there to say? Having the same arguments for that long...having the same conversations over and over again, and yet, the man continues to surprise me in ways that I cannot really explain. I keep hanging around just to see what will happen next!

Still searching for some meaning in my latest round of medical issues; well, not meaning, I suppose, but rather I don't know what...something that will tie everything together and make some sense. I'm thinking that won't happen - it doesn't exist. This has all brought a new definition to sick and tired...

Her

As I understand, it is Women's History Month, and blogging etiquette dictates dedicating a blog a week to influential women in our lives. I can manage at least one such dedication - I'm not so good with etiquette or rules, in general. My precious daughter, Sarah, has been the woman who has guided my life, directed my morality and saved my sanity...even before she was a woman.

Because of my child, I have tried to be a living example of truth and justice. Even when decisions have been most difficult - and especially when they are - I always have Sarah in my mind...what would she think if I did this? what kind of message would it send her if I did that? The choices that I have made - and continue to make - are always surrounded by her and what she will learn from them and what she will think of me as a result. In this way, she has made life quite easy for me; the knowledge that she watches what I do and say, has forced me to strive to "do the right thing" in all that I encounter - she is as powerful as the threat of Hell for me!

As she has matured into the fine woman that she is, my daughter has provided me with a living example of truth and justice. In the face of adversity or the possibility of exile from friendship, she continually remains true to her ethics, her morality and her faith. Knowing what is important and valuable in this world, she is a lighthouse in a sea swirling with dishonesty and disrespect. Sarah is my own, personal guide in life!

In ways, big and small, my child has saved me from myself; she has preserved my sanity (although, I know, at times, it is a very-nearly-unraveling rope that I hold!). Honestly, and I do not know how else to be, I believe that God sent her to me to allow me the opportunity to change my life, to make me better, to permit me to overcome. And she has done all of that - and so much more - for me. I thank God for her; I thank her for her. I love her completely and absolutely and unconditionally. She is the woman who has most influenced my life.

Final Installment

A few more things that I enjoy:

planting for the summer harvest
ordinary time
taking a vacation
breakfast with the girls
birthdays
a good, hearty, real laugh
office supplies - another sickness
alphabetizing
orderliness, in general
thinking about the GIANTS games we will attend
my girl in love
new pajamas
a good cry - not the reasons for it, but the cry itself
getting to the other side
mix cds that my daughter has made for me
knowing that my husband loves me no matter what
being Catholic - the Mass, Communion, the guilt (!!!), all of it

Hey, Wait, There's More...

I also enjoy:

Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
baseball season
Snickers
playing Scrabble
making lists
attending Mass anywhere in the world and knowing exactly what to do
going to Costco - it's a sickness
working in the yard
coming across random pictures of my daughter
MY DAUGHTER!!!!!
knowing that I can teach
the 4th of July
getting money in the mail
a really good movie
red vines
date night

The Lovefest Continues

I enjoy...

the truth
a good cinnamon roll
not having to work
the SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
seeing how happy my girl is
finding that I still like to do things I thought I didn't anymore
American Idol - I don't want to, but I do!
CNN
all my little critters
singing at church
not worrying - a rare thing, but I do enjoy it when it occurs!
November 25th
knowing I have a surprise for my husband on our 29th anniversary
lobster
escargots
my husband's bbq - ain't nothin' like it!

Ode to Copycats

Trying my hand at listing things that I find enjoyable:

everything about my child
my husband - usually
most of my friends most of the time
reading a good book
finishing a sewing/crocheting/knitting project
being a California native
discovering love again
watching the dance
singing along to just about anything - especially with my daughter
my red ipod
Neil Diamond
Meatloaf - the singer more than the actual loaf
Rob Thomas
Christopher Walken
Gregory Peck
To Kill a Mockingbird - the book and the movie
a good Mass
Communion
saying the rosary
knowing Our Blessed Mother holds me in her arms
RED
baking
Fridays in Lent
being able to laugh at/about/over my mother - finally!

...more to come...

Feeling a bit out of sorts - I really do not enjoy waiting for test results...and I really do not wish to burden anyone else with my concerns. Waiting is difficult, whether it be for medical outcomes, academic scores, someone's return or the blooming of love. Patience is not something that most people do well. During this Lenten Season, I am exercising more effort in that arena, but finding myself increasingly less able to do so. Maybe I am praying for the wrong thing or in the wrong way, but I do not know any other way to ask, and I do not have the patience to search for another path.

"We're surrounded by false advertising for everybody's happiness."

...from one of the books that I am currently enjoying...how true that is! I have often peeked into the lives of others and imagined how their happiness must keep them constantly floating. As my life experience has expanded, however, I have come to realize that what I used to believe was sheer glee is actually "false advertising." Many can show a face to the outside world that is not the expression that they wear inside the plastic walls where they sometimes find their existence to be so much less than they had hoped for, than they dreamed of as children, than they imagined they deserved. But we do get what we deserve, don't we?

As the season of Lent begins today, and I look forward to receiving my cross of ashes, I must decide what deserving emotion, hobby, food I need to do without for the 40+ days that rise before me like so many before them. In keeping with my belief that the giving up must be accompanied by the taking on, I must also figure out what God deserves from me, the newness He would want me to carry. The good that I will add to my life - for Him, and only with the help of His grace - will initially weigh me down as a cross. I do not like to admit this, but it is true. Putting on a cloak of something positive should not be so hard for me, but I find that the covering is so big and heavy and ill-fitting. Trying to be and do good, while it should not be, is a true sacrifice for me.

Three Little Words

The Iloveyous of the world should not be little - they are GIGANTIC! The simple 4-letter word - l o v e - is infused with so much - longing, healing, giving - it is simply too big for its simplicity. Finding the balance for love is a highwire act with not only no net but no firm earth at all underneath - the heart is exposed, available for trampling or cracking or exploding. Opening one's heart is allowing everything in - the hurt, the sadness, the ecstasy, the peace. This comes as no startling news, I understand, but love is always a headline, or at least it should be.

The History of Love

Thanks be to my daughter for sharing The History of Love - quite an amazing little read. Thus far - a bit over halfway - I am struck by one particular message: love has made me the happiest that I have ever been; love has made me the saddest that I have ever been. When you are fully in love - whether just falling into or at the maintenance level - the emotions are the truest that you will ever know. They will make-up both the most painful and the most joyous that you will experience. When you love someone completely that someone is capable of giving you the depth of life that is impossible without them. I remember trying once to explain to my dear husband that he is not responsible for my happiness - I control that - but I now understand his perspective: what he does or does not do/feel/comprehend affects my happiness - my whole life, really - in the way that only love can. Love captures you, and absolute love captures you absolutely.

Ordinary

Having watched "Grey's Anatomy" and listened over and over to my current favorite song, "Ordinary Time," I find that ordinary is quite underated. What a joy to live a life that is simple and full. Those who are earmarked by God for the extraordinary are given the gifts required for such an existence.

From a (albeit, crazy) mother to her only daughter: "Anyone can fall in love; I raised you to be extraordinary." The truth is that not everyone can fall in love; not everyone finds it. Love, if done correctly, is quite out of the ordinary and that is what makes the falling into it so remarkable. Love in this life is nothing short of extraordinary...I see that I have been given the necessary gifts; perhaps, my life is not so ordinary, afterall.

The road less traveled is finding its way to me all on its own. Life is not always as I thought it would be, and lately, it's as far removed as possible from my early vision. I discover myself today in a different place from yesterday...from a week ago...from days to come...from miles away. The snapshots that surround the dreams in my head are everchanging, and constantly pressing me to do something else, something different, something other than this, something, anything. If I could make my legs carry me there, believe me, I would.

As the world opens up a little and the tunnel end is in sight, I am grateful, again, for my faith. There are moments that I simply do not believe that I can go on - my feet will not move me; my heart will not beat. It is upon the wings of prayers that I am lifted; it is upon God's shoulders that I am carried. I cannot say how this happens; I simply believe it on faith. If not, how would I still be here?

There are times, now, when I wish that I was speaking to my mother - I would like to be able to talk with her about things...but then I realize that, even if we were on speaking terms, I wouldn't have any of the conversations that I have with her in my head. She would have to be someone other than herself, and I would have to be another person too. I want to talk to the mother that I wish I had...the fantasy mommy that listens and understands and doesn't make me feel like a fat failure at everything. My head is getting to be a crowded place in which to live; there are so many people playing so many roles in there. I'm not sure if any of them are me.

Another day of wondering what will happen next...feeling disappointment where I've really never felt it before; honestly, never thought that I would find it in this particular place. Respect is a funny animal; it should be earned, I have always believed this to be true, but to keep it is proving to be more difficult than I envisioned. I love my husband, I have said this before, and when things are hard for him to handle, I physically feel pain for him. He has taken being shoved aside fairly well, overall, but some respect for his position would serve us all well I think...a little understanding of who and what he is and believes.

"I'm coming over there," I say.
And my head fits perfectly there on his chest, just below his shoulder, where it always has...my home is here. In incomprehensible ways, I love this man, my husband of almost 29 years. On the surface, we should likely not work, and often it appears that we do not, but this is a good relationship. I have often said that we saved each other, and we did, and we do, but I am still confounded and amazed that, at the moments that matter the most, he can pull me from the waters again and again. The wonder of it is he doesn't even know he's doing it.

Having breakfast with my two best girlfriends last week has prompted some reflection. Although we do not all have the same number of children, we all have only one daughter. It occurs to me, that while we carry around our own baggage, as well as the overstuffed remains of our mother's luggage, we also place the shiny new Dooneys and Coaches of our daughters on our stooped backs. It's being the mother-daughter-in-the-middle that allows us a peek into all facets of the 100-karat Hope Diamond that is womanhood.

As for our daughters, we pray fervently for them, we ache for them, we revel in their joy - in ways they cannot - and really need not - understand. We think that we know what is best for them, but perhaps, we don't. We can see a proper fit based only on our own experience of them, but as all women, I believe, they are a tapestry woven together with the thread of many different lives...layers of private thoughts and fantasies and dreams and secrets. We really do not know them at all. This love is unconditional.

So, God has lifted some of this burden - well, more like I decided to let Him. There is so much that I cannot control, and once I accepted that (again!), life became brighter. Deciding to be happy and to enjoy the wonderful, miraculous events occuring all around me is a good choice for me! For today, anyway, I can manage that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It is strange and wonderful and difficult, all at the same time, to watch someone change in ways that you never imagined they would. Explaining to someone else what this clip-by-clip film-like experience feels like for me is impossible...no one else sees through my eyes...no one else is in my head; I'm not there half the time myself. I wish that I wasn't so completely alone in this, though; I'd like very much for someone to take my hand and be with me as I walk through this warping set. Another road to traverse alone. I don't know that I can do it.