Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

What do I do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?

Yep, Elton John (well, actually, lyrics by Bernie Taupin) certainly has something there. My mother can send me a million cards; she can have others express her regret with words she is, apparently, incapable of saying herself; "I'm sorry" is not in her make-up. Honestly, after talking to my daughter yesterday, it occurs to me - after she pointed it out! - that no matter what my mother says it will never be enough. The time for the words that I needed and longed to hear has passed; it is too late for this to be the relationship it should have been. I will not believe she is genuine or sincere or honest - she is calculating and manipulative and just plain mean. There was a time that I thought that, perhaps, she had no control over this; it was just the way she was, and she couldn't help it, couldn't help herself. The steps that I have taken on my way to forgiving her, have brought me along a road that led to a realization that my mother has chosen to be the way she is, just as we all make the daily decision to be who and what we are. In recognizing the parts of ourselves that may not be particularly positive or conducive to good relationships, we can decide to change; we can make ourselves better - but we have to want to; we have to care enough; we have to love others more than ourselves. That's hard to do when you are the navel of your universe!