As the world opens up a little and the tunnel end is in sight, I am grateful, again, for my faith. There are moments that I simply do not believe that I can go on - my feet will not move me; my heart will not beat. It is upon the wings of prayers that I am lifted; it is upon God's shoulders that I am carried. I cannot say how this happens; I simply believe it on faith. If not, how would I still be here?

There are times, now, when I wish that I was speaking to my mother - I would like to be able to talk with her about things...but then I realize that, even if we were on speaking terms, I wouldn't have any of the conversations that I have with her in my head. She would have to be someone other than herself, and I would have to be another person too. I want to talk to the mother that I wish I had...the fantasy mommy that listens and understands and doesn't make me feel like a fat failure at everything. My head is getting to be a crowded place in which to live; there are so many people playing so many roles in there. I'm not sure if any of them are me.

Another day of wondering what will happen next...feeling disappointment where I've really never felt it before; honestly, never thought that I would find it in this particular place. Respect is a funny animal; it should be earned, I have always believed this to be true, but to keep it is proving to be more difficult than I envisioned. I love my husband, I have said this before, and when things are hard for him to handle, I physically feel pain for him. He has taken being shoved aside fairly well, overall, but some respect for his position would serve us all well I think...a little understanding of who and what he is and believes.

"I'm coming over there," I say.
And my head fits perfectly there on his chest, just below his shoulder, where it always has...my home is here. In incomprehensible ways, I love this man, my husband of almost 29 years. On the surface, we should likely not work, and often it appears that we do not, but this is a good relationship. I have often said that we saved each other, and we did, and we do, but I am still confounded and amazed that, at the moments that matter the most, he can pull me from the waters again and again. The wonder of it is he doesn't even know he's doing it.

Having breakfast with my two best girlfriends last week has prompted some reflection. Although we do not all have the same number of children, we all have only one daughter. It occurs to me, that while we carry around our own baggage, as well as the overstuffed remains of our mother's luggage, we also place the shiny new Dooneys and Coaches of our daughters on our stooped backs. It's being the mother-daughter-in-the-middle that allows us a peek into all facets of the 100-karat Hope Diamond that is womanhood.

As for our daughters, we pray fervently for them, we ache for them, we revel in their joy - in ways they cannot - and really need not - understand. We think that we know what is best for them, but perhaps, we don't. We can see a proper fit based only on our own experience of them, but as all women, I believe, they are a tapestry woven together with the thread of many different lives...layers of private thoughts and fantasies and dreams and secrets. We really do not know them at all. This love is unconditional.

So, God has lifted some of this burden - well, more like I decided to let Him. There is so much that I cannot control, and once I accepted that (again!), life became brighter. Deciding to be happy and to enjoy the wonderful, miraculous events occuring all around me is a good choice for me! For today, anyway, I can manage that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It is strange and wonderful and difficult, all at the same time, to watch someone change in ways that you never imagined they would. Explaining to someone else what this clip-by-clip film-like experience feels like for me is impossible...no one else sees through my eyes...no one else is in my head; I'm not there half the time myself. I wish that I wasn't so completely alone in this, though; I'd like very much for someone to take my hand and be with me as I walk through this warping set. Another road to traverse alone. I don't know that I can do it.