and what have you done?

Often, I feel as though I just do not do enough; oh, I do plenty for myself, don't get me wrong; it's doing for others that seems to roil itself into that sick-acidic-ball in the middle of my stomach. I want to do more for others, I just don't. I have all sorts of excuses ranging from being too busy to not feeling well to not having enough money, to...well, you get the idea, n'est pas? I need to get up off my duff, which is pretty much it's own solar system (HEED, PANTS NOW!!) at this point; the volunteering muscle could be well-used. As everyone knows, I can do plenty of stuff - some of it fairly well - I should share my multitude of talents and my wealth of knowledge with others. I would feel more Christ-like; I would be less self-centered; I would be more aware of the plight of my fellow man. So, in truth, I see that this would simply result in my being a better version of what I already am...nobody wants that, right? I'll make some sort of decision about it later; right now, I have no money and no time, and I really feel like I'm coming down with something.

and, so, this is Christmas

Christmas is a difficult holiday, but I truly enjoy it tremendously - mother issues and all. Most of the childhood memories that I am able to face have to do with December 25th, and many of my adult memories are filled with the joy of that day. I can laugh at the homemade-ornament-debacle of 2001 and the great-artificial-tree-debate of 2002 - oh, yeah, I am just splitting a gut right now thinking about those - NOT! But I am starting to find them mildly amusing, and that's progress. I am hoping that it is progress in the right direction.

comfort and joy

So, last Christmas, I received a RED ipod from my superfantastic daughter, and this year, in the weeks preceding Christmas, I have had carols and hymns to follow me all around the house. I cannot begin to express how much joy I have found in this - the music lifts up my soul in the most comforting way. So, to my dearest girl, thank you this year for the gift last year - you have brought the soothing expression of music, simple as it is, back into my life, and along with it, peace in my heart. I love you.

Heal thyselves

Really, I do not want to remain on this topic or in this place for an extended period of time, but I must say that this is the Blackest Friday I have known in many, many years.

Anyone who knows me even just a little bit, knows of my great love for baseball, a game I have always believed to be one of the few really pure team activities. Truly, although I adore my Giants, I love the GAME. What a sad day for all of us who feel this way; the Mitchell Report has blown a whole through my heart. I knew it was coming; I knew there were dirty players, but DAMMIT!!!

Coming soon to a bookstore near you

To borrow one of my favorite daughter-phrases, "the problem with me is" I am a true teacher at heart - while I may not do much of anything correctly, I absolutely KNOW how most anything SHOULD be done - I can teach everyone everything! This is why I am hoping to write a guide book - "The Things I Know That Apparently No One Else Does." It will be a compilation of my vast knowledge about some of the little-used shortcuts to take to virtually any Costco, the best way to maneuver through Target, the most efficient waiting-in-line protocol, and the proper etiquette on pretty much all there is for which etiquette is necessary. Clearly, my help is required.

Having recently read a blog (http://www.rebalala.blogspot.com/ - quite excellent) invoking Grace Kelly, I got to thinking about grace and what it means and the tremendous power of the word itself.

I have never had what you might call grace, in terms of gracefulness (much to my mother's great dismay, try though I did to stand on my toes or pretend that I could complete a Pirouette or an Entrechat), but I find that my life is filled with grace, the kind that comes only from God. I do not have this of my own accord, and sometimes, I do not have it at all, but on occasion, I see it weaving its way through the most difficult parts of my life. There is much that would not happen, that I would find unlivable, that I would be incapable of surviving, if it were not for grace.

Not knowing how to respond or defend or give proper expression to that which remains unsaid, I fall upon grace to find the words, the armour, the way, and more-often-than-not, it picks me up and moves me along. Sometimes, it's the only way I can walk at all, with grace, if without gracefulness.

some women I know

As I was falling happily to sleep last night, I was thinking about the ways in which we conduct ourselves in the world - how we protect ourselves, why only certain facets of our lives are available for public consumption, the huge barriers we erect until we are ready to go crashing through them. These things were finding their way through the labyrinth that is my mind for many different reasons, mostly because there are women who are not quite prepared, just yet, to see what faces them on the other side of those walls, but one day they might be.

I have said before, and do still believe, that it IS about the destination and the journey, not so much. I have gone down roads that led nowhere, found places that I did not need to visit, gained knowledge that I had no business knowing. Yes, these false starts may have made me stronger/wiser/better, but what I had to do was go headfirst through the morass that led to the bridge that took me, finally, to the layer of bricks and mortar that I had to travel beyond...I had to get THERE.

Everyone's "there" is different, some only slightly and others so far removed that it is barely recognizable to the human eye. The personal path we all take to where we each need to go is our journey, our memories, our life. But getting to the other possibly-not-greener pasture is the destination which allows us, at last, to be free. It does require some tree demolition and concrete sandblasting (there may even be a scythe involved); the work IS necessary, I'll give you that, but it's what we do upon arriving at our destination, that permits us, finally, to be our true selves. I wish/hope/pray that, as difficult as some things are to overcome, women who need to break through and get "there" will find the required stamina along the rutted road of their personal journey. It's worth ruining a few pairs of good shoes.

I Ain't Packin' Up Anytime Soon

It has come to my attention that a relationship is helped to survive considerably if one of the people involved has optimistic tendencies, believes that there is more good than evil in the world, strives to find that goodness in everyone and everything. In the incident of my own marriage relationship, that person would be my husband; it can't be me; it's a mere process of elimination situation. Again, this may be something that I should have likely discerned long ago; again, a bit slow on the uptake, but, in order to arrive at certain places, I am required to recognize/admit/embrace certain aspects of myself of which I am not particularly proud, but do not necessarily want to change. (Oh, the things that swirl around in my head - it's really not pretty!) It's the whole domino effect; if I change this, how will it affect that; if A+B no longer equals the familiar C, what does the new (possibly - but also not - improved) C look like/mean/require from me? Maybe it all just comes down to laziness or pessimism or some other negatively-connotated word, but I prefer to call it reality - that's the home of my denial, and I am comfortable there, why move?

The Best JJ Ever!!

A Trooper

So, the dentist wishes that more of his patients ("well, people in general, really") were like me - "a real trooper." I have believed for many, many years that I have a high tolerance for pain - ask anyone who knows me, I brag about this tremendous gift on a fairly regular basis. The fact is, however, that I do not have an immense threshold for being hurt; I simply learned as a very young child not to let the pain show. The ideal is to just cowboy up and deal - take any abuse they can inflict in their various manners of execution - shut-up about it. No one can hear, see, know what is happening; just accept what you deserve, or don't, it doesn't really matter. So, as the drill and saw and needle were working their way through my jaw, I did what I always do, what I have done since I can remember - I counted, I prayed and I imagined scenarios of a later - better - safer life. This is how I accept what is coming to me, how I deal with unpleasantries, how I cope with pretty much anything that causes me pain. As a result, I can do all sorts of math operations in my head, can recite the rosary efficiently sans beads and have lived many, far-more-interesting-than-my-actual-life versions of existence; in other words, I did get some valuable results from whatever hurtful experiences I have known.

Perhaps, you are thinking that I should have realized this long ago - far before reaching the age of 50ish, and, perhaps, I am thinking that you are right. That does not change anything - I only fully realized this fact of my life yesterday. It was a bit disconcerting and disappointing to finally understand - and believe - that I do not have a super-human-pain-tolerance; I am only a product of my environment; I only grew into what I was destined to become. Having often thought that I was meant to have a life that is not what I now claim as my own, I find some comfort in seeing that I am who I set-out to be.

Out of desperation or lack of hope or a simple belief that I am a child of God, I have a life that is worthy of living. I know how to cope with whatever is flung my way. My child-learned-forced-to-be-silent voice now screams to be heard - out of desperation or hope - and I can do complex math in my head.

Things are better now than they were before

As soon as you believe there was someplace in the past where things were better than they are today, you won't operate at your full potential now. You are where you are, and if you aren't, it's probably a good idea to figure out how to get to yourself.

one red paperclip

kyle macdonald

What would I change if I could? There is, at the precise identical moment, the exact same thing that I would make different and that I would pray to remain the same. It makes no sense at all and so much sense at the same time. Having a long-pleaded for prayer answered is the beginning and an end. In saying hello to what is freshly laid before us, we must say good-bye to that which is now behind us. I want to begin anew, say hello all over again; maybe not be so needy this next time through; maybe try to be better on my own two feet. I cannot do that - here is where I find myself, and I am both happy and sad about the outcome.

playin' on my ipod...

...whilst I'm making orange-banana muffins and banana bread:

Billy Joel: Still Rock and Roll To Me

What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
Can't you tell that your ties too wide?
Maybe I should buy some old tab collars?
Welcome back to the age of jive.
Where have you been hidin out lately, honey?
You can't dress trashy till you spend a lot of money.
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but its still rock and roll to me.


Elton John: Blue Eyes

Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home, and I am home again.


Simon and Garfunkel: The Boxer

Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me
I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be, thats not unusual
No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same
After changes we are more or less the same

Li la li...

And I'm laying out my winter clothes, wishing I was gone, goin home
Where the New York city winters aren't bleedin me, leadin me to go home

In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
Yes he still remains.


Garth Brooks: Thunder Rolls

She's waitin' by the window
When he pulls into the drive
She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive
But on the wind and rain
A strange new perfume blows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes
And he knows that she knows
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls

The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls

She runs back down the hallway
To the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol
Kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in the mirror
He won't do this again
Cause tonight will be the last time
She'll wonder where he's been
And the thunder rolls
And the the thunder rolls.



Nice little variety of good music, thank you very much!

but there's this...

76. I need validation too much.
77. Most of the time, too much of something is really too much.
78. I like to think that I have let go, but it may be of the wrong things.
79. Growing-up, no matter how old you are, is wrought with pitfalls and false floors and all manner of obtuse things. Grow-up anyway.
80. Being the person that I should be is not as close to the person that I am as I would like it to be.
81. I don't like being misunderstood.
82. Going back to not asking is probably a safer road to take at this point.
83. Outside still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does.
84. What is to become of us?
85. While change isn't always good, sometimes, it really is.
86. I don't remember the Alamo, and I don't care.
87. Weekends are starting to be kinda crappy.
88. I don't have to just go along if I don't want to just go along.
89. I thought for a second that life was getting easier. I was mistaken.
90. Mail is becoming less and less interesting.
91. I'd like to take a break from myself for a while; I can be pretty intense.
92. What appears on the surface to be easy or simple or comfortable may be none of those things.
93. If you don't want to know, don't ask. There's a good reason for me keeping a lot to myself.
94. It's not crazy or ironic or incongruous to feel lonely when you're not alone.
95. Sometimes being tired is simply that. I don't think that a good nap has ever really hurt anyone.
96. I don't think that anyone outside of San Francisco really gives a shit about Barry Bonds.
97. I adore the Giants. I do not give a shit about Barry Bonds.
98. Eventually, I hope that I will turn the corner.
99. Maybe I should start by going back to mass on a regular basis.
100. Some things are just too firmly ingrained; I cannot get beyond some of those.

also...

51. Omar!
52. I don't know that preparation really alleviates any anxiety.
53. It is often much more challenging to be bad than to be good.
54. My checkbook is quite the mess.
55. I don't care that my checkbook is quite the mess - my, how I've grown!
56. It makes no difference that the Giants do not have an icecap's opportunity in a satanical cult, I still love to see them win.
57. Speaking of which, I wish that I could ice skate.
58. Mostly, I remain the 15 year-old-girl-I-used-to-be, and that's not necessarily an awful thing.
59. Being a mama is the most vital role I play in my life...well, not so much playing as honestly trying to figure it out as I hobble along.
60. I should not have ended the above with a preposition - that is something that bothers me tremendously, but to prove I can overcome, I am not going to change it.
61. Having animals in my life has been a tremendous joy, and I thank my husband for that.
62. Homegrown is almost always better than store-bought.
63. When I have purchased the last 3 items, I will be completely done with my Christmas shopping.
64. I will still buy more, though.
65. This is the first summer that I have actually left the air-conditioning on - it has been significantly more pleasant within the narrow walls of my existence.
66. Playing Scrabble is a creative outlet for me; losing at Scrabble is not something that I take lightly.
67. Actually, I am somewhat frightened that I am not quite as smart as I used to be...or at least, I thought I was.
68. I love my little family.
69. I hope that I will live the rest of my life somewhere else.
70. Being an American does make be proud but not in a haughty sort of way.
71. I wish that I could sing at church with the complete lack of embarrassment of which my husband is capable. (Yes, I originally typed, "which my husband is capable of." I went back and changed it - I am capable of overcoming, but I am not completely void of reason!)
72. I am standing very close to the edge most days.
73. Peets over Starbucks.
74. Before I take an axe to my bangs, I need to get a haircut - an axe is not quite as desperate as it might seem.
75. Entourage is one of the funniest shows...ever.

and then..

26. I enjoy a good waffle for breakfast...and sometimes for dinner.
27. By outward appearances, my life is organized, but all is chaos in my head.
28. I do not always ignore the voices.
29. The virtue of a clean house may be a slight bit exaggerated, not so a clean soul.
30. Except for one or two exceptions, people know pretty much all there is to know about me.
31. No one wants to know the 1 or 2 things that they don't.
32. Happy is a good color on my child.
33. I only recently came to comprehend Ben as the better choice.
34. Don't marry someone you don't love - sometimes love is all you have on which to survive.
35. Maybe my growing-up wasn't as bad as I remember.
36. But maybe it was.
37. I wish my meme were still alive.
38. Who takes the road not taken if it's not taken?
39. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing, but I always opt for knowing anyway.
40. I do not understand time.
41. People depend on me - sometimes that pressure is more than I can adequately sustain.
42. I miss Allie.
43. I should pay more attention.
44. Sleep is one of the few things that is not overrated.
45. I am seriously trying to exist.
46. You can't fully understand until it's happened to you - that's probably okay.
47. Often I am frightened by things or people or places - it has not always been thus.
48. While I can read about it, I do not, generally, appreciate a gory murder scene in a movie.
49. The circle of life is not so much a circle as an oval.
50. Light over darkness every time.

about me - because I can

1. I really like pizza.
2. Although all my sibs have middle names, I do not have one. This has always greatly disturbed me.
3. I made sure my child had a middle name.
4. I like lamb, but don't eat it very often.
5. Organization skills are severely under appreciated.
6. I love my husband.
7. My daughter is my superhero.
8. I am depressed a lot, but I'm happy.
9. Making sense is dramatically over-rated.
10. It is about the destination.
11. Red is the best color....ever.
12. Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch is a true man at his very best.
13. Life is not necessarily what you make it.
14. For me, it's a toss-up between cherries and watermelon.
15. Having it all is much too sinful, but I wouldn't mind having a little.
16. I question Catholicism but not my Catholic faith.
17. Size does not matter.
18. I wish I was healthier.
19. There are not many things I would like to do over.
20. Almost everything I would like to do over has to do with my child.
21. I could have been a much better mommy.
22. I think that I would like to live in the country, but where would I shop?
23. I like to shop.
24. I have very few really great friends.
25. I have two really magnificent relatives.

Failing Course

I feel as though I have just flunked a very important test. I studied hard, did fairly well on the quizzes, attended pertinent lectures. I have still fallen way short of where I should be. I do not know if it's worth taking it over; it really does not seem like it, not today anyway.

My Left Foot

As I was cleaning up my ridiculously-sad-looking toenails following a later-than-usual shower this morning, after a marathon polishing session with my daughter this evening past, it occured to me that my depressed tootsie nails looked significantly worse than my right hand fingernails that have been styled by my so-not-dominant left hand. (Now, there's a sentence for you!) Which brings us, at last, to my finely-whittled point: my toenails are so poorly-polish-covered, they appear to have been saloned by, not my left hand, but, rather, my left foot.

(Feel free to read this entry again - it's tough to resist, I know.)