So, the dentist wishes that more of his patients ("well, people in general, really") were like me - "a real trooper." I have believed for many, many years that I have a high tolerance for pain - ask anyone who knows me, I brag about this tremendous gift on a fairly regular basis. The fact is, however, that I do not have an immense threshold for being hurt; I simply learned as a very young child not to let the pain show. The ideal is to just cowboy up and deal - take any abuse they can inflict in their various manners of execution - shut-up about it. No one can hear, see, know what is happening; just accept what you deserve, or don't, it doesn't really matter. So, as the drill and saw and needle were working their way through my jaw, I did what I always do, what I have done since I can remember - I counted, I prayed and I imagined scenarios of a later - better - safer life. This is how I accept what is coming to me, how I deal with unpleasantries, how I cope with pretty much anything that causes me pain. As a result, I can do all sorts of math operations in my head, can recite the rosary efficiently sans beads and have lived many, far-more-interesting-than-my-actual-life versions of existence; in other words, I did get some valuable results from whatever hurtful experiences I have known.
Perhaps, you are thinking that I should have realized this long ago - far before reaching the age of 50ish, and, perhaps, I am thinking that you are right. That does not change anything - I only fully realized this fact of my life yesterday. It was a bit disconcerting and disappointing to finally understand - and believe - that I do not have a super-human-pain-tolerance; I am only a product of my environment; I only grew into what I was destined to become. Having often thought that I was meant to have a life that is not what I now claim as my own, I find some comfort in seeing that I am who I set-out to be.
Out of desperation or lack of hope or a simple belief that I am a child of God, I have a life that is worthy of living. I know how to cope with whatever is flung my way. My child-learned-forced-to-be-silent voice now screams to be heard - out of desperation or hope - and I can do complex math in my head.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Things are better now than they were before
As soon as you believe there was someplace in the past where things were better than they are today, you won't operate at your full potential now. You are where you are, and if you aren't, it's probably a good idea to figure out how to get to yourself.
one red paperclip
kyle macdonald
Sunday, September 23, 2007
What would I change if I could? There is, at the precise identical moment, the exact same thing that I would make different and that I would pray to remain the same. It makes no sense at all and so much sense at the same time. Having a long-pleaded for prayer answered is the beginning and an end. In saying hello to what is freshly laid before us, we must say good-bye to that which is now behind us. I want to begin anew, say hello all over again; maybe not be so needy this next time through; maybe try to be better on my own two feet. I cannot do that - here is where I find myself, and I am both happy and sad about the outcome.
Friday, September 07, 2007
playin' on my ipod...
...whilst I'm making orange-banana muffins and banana bread:
Billy Joel: Still Rock and Roll To Me
What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
Can't you tell that your ties too wide?
Maybe I should buy some old tab collars?
Welcome back to the age of jive.
Where have you been hidin out lately, honey?
You can't dress trashy till you spend a lot of money.
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but its still rock and roll to me.
Elton John: Blue Eyes
Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home, and I am home again.
Simon and Garfunkel: The Boxer
Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me
I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be, thats not unusual
No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same
After changes we are more or less the same
Li la li...
And I'm laying out my winter clothes, wishing I was gone, goin home
Where the New York city winters aren't bleedin me, leadin me to go home
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
Yes he still remains.
Garth Brooks: Thunder Rolls
She's waitin' by the window
When he pulls into the drive
She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive
But on the wind and rain
A strange new perfume blows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes
And he knows that she knows
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls
The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls
She runs back down the hallway
To the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol
Kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in the mirror
He won't do this again
Cause tonight will be the last time
She'll wonder where he's been
And the thunder rolls
And the the thunder rolls.
Nice little variety of good music, thank you very much!
Billy Joel: Still Rock and Roll To Me
What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
Can't you tell that your ties too wide?
Maybe I should buy some old tab collars?
Welcome back to the age of jive.
Where have you been hidin out lately, honey?
You can't dress trashy till you spend a lot of money.
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but its still rock and roll to me.
Elton John: Blue Eyes
Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home, and I am home again.
Simon and Garfunkel: The Boxer
Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me
I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be, thats not unusual
No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same
After changes we are more or less the same
Li la li...
And I'm laying out my winter clothes, wishing I was gone, goin home
Where the New York city winters aren't bleedin me, leadin me to go home
In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him
til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains
Yes he still remains.
Garth Brooks: Thunder Rolls
She's waitin' by the window
When he pulls into the drive
She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive
But on the wind and rain
A strange new perfume blows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes
And he knows that she knows
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls
The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls
She runs back down the hallway
To the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol
Kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in the mirror
He won't do this again
Cause tonight will be the last time
She'll wonder where he's been
And the thunder rolls
And the the thunder rolls.
Nice little variety of good music, thank you very much!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
but there's this...
76. I need validation too much.
77. Most of the time, too much of something is really too much.
78. I like to think that I have let go, but it may be of the wrong things.
79. Growing-up, no matter how old you are, is wrought with pitfalls and false floors and all manner of obtuse things. Grow-up anyway.
80. Being the person that I should be is not as close to the person that I am as I would like it to be.
81. I don't like being misunderstood.
82. Going back to not asking is probably a safer road to take at this point.
83. Outside still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does.
84. What is to become of us?
85. While change isn't always good, sometimes, it really is.
86. I don't remember the Alamo, and I don't care.
87. Weekends are starting to be kinda crappy.
88. I don't have to just go along if I don't want to just go along.
89. I thought for a second that life was getting easier. I was mistaken.
90. Mail is becoming less and less interesting.
91. I'd like to take a break from myself for a while; I can be pretty intense.
92. What appears on the surface to be easy or simple or comfortable may be none of those things.
93. If you don't want to know, don't ask. There's a good reason for me keeping a lot to myself.
94. It's not crazy or ironic or incongruous to feel lonely when you're not alone.
95. Sometimes being tired is simply that. I don't think that a good nap has ever really hurt anyone.
96. I don't think that anyone outside of San Francisco really gives a shit about Barry Bonds.
97. I adore the Giants. I do not give a shit about Barry Bonds.
98. Eventually, I hope that I will turn the corner.
99. Maybe I should start by going back to mass on a regular basis.
100. Some things are just too firmly ingrained; I cannot get beyond some of those.
77. Most of the time, too much of something is really too much.
78. I like to think that I have let go, but it may be of the wrong things.
79. Growing-up, no matter how old you are, is wrought with pitfalls and false floors and all manner of obtuse things. Grow-up anyway.
80. Being the person that I should be is not as close to the person that I am as I would like it to be.
81. I don't like being misunderstood.
82. Going back to not asking is probably a safer road to take at this point.
83. Outside still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does.
84. What is to become of us?
85. While change isn't always good, sometimes, it really is.
86. I don't remember the Alamo, and I don't care.
87. Weekends are starting to be kinda crappy.
88. I don't have to just go along if I don't want to just go along.
89. I thought for a second that life was getting easier. I was mistaken.
90. Mail is becoming less and less interesting.
91. I'd like to take a break from myself for a while; I can be pretty intense.
92. What appears on the surface to be easy or simple or comfortable may be none of those things.
93. If you don't want to know, don't ask. There's a good reason for me keeping a lot to myself.
94. It's not crazy or ironic or incongruous to feel lonely when you're not alone.
95. Sometimes being tired is simply that. I don't think that a good nap has ever really hurt anyone.
96. I don't think that anyone outside of San Francisco really gives a shit about Barry Bonds.
97. I adore the Giants. I do not give a shit about Barry Bonds.
98. Eventually, I hope that I will turn the corner.
99. Maybe I should start by going back to mass on a regular basis.
100. Some things are just too firmly ingrained; I cannot get beyond some of those.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
also...
51. Omar!
52. I don't know that preparation really alleviates any anxiety.
53. It is often much more challenging to be bad than to be good.
54. My checkbook is quite the mess.
55. I don't care that my checkbook is quite the mess - my, how I've grown!
56. It makes no difference that the Giants do not have an icecap's opportunity in a satanical cult, I still love to see them win.
57. Speaking of which, I wish that I could ice skate.
58. Mostly, I remain the 15 year-old-girl-I-used-to-be, and that's not necessarily an awful thing.
59. Being a mama is the most vital role I play in my life...well, not so much playing as honestly trying to figure it out as I hobble along.
60. I should not have ended the above with a preposition - that is something that bothers me tremendously, but to prove I can overcome, I am not going to change it.
61. Having animals in my life has been a tremendous joy, and I thank my husband for that.
62. Homegrown is almost always better than store-bought.
63. When I have purchased the last 3 items, I will be completely done with my Christmas shopping.
64. I will still buy more, though.
65. This is the first summer that I have actually left the air-conditioning on - it has been significantly more pleasant within the narrow walls of my existence.
66. Playing Scrabble is a creative outlet for me; losing at Scrabble is not something that I take lightly.
67. Actually, I am somewhat frightened that I am not quite as smart as I used to be...or at least, I thought I was.
68. I love my little family.
69. I hope that I will live the rest of my life somewhere else.
70. Being an American does make be proud but not in a haughty sort of way.
71. I wish that I could sing at church with the complete lack of embarrassment of which my husband is capable. (Yes, I originally typed, "which my husband is capable of." I went back and changed it - I am capable of overcoming, but I am not completely void of reason!)
72. I am standing very close to the edge most days.
73. Peets over Starbucks.
74. Before I take an axe to my bangs, I need to get a haircut - an axe is not quite as desperate as it might seem.
75. Entourage is one of the funniest shows...ever.
52. I don't know that preparation really alleviates any anxiety.
53. It is often much more challenging to be bad than to be good.
54. My checkbook is quite the mess.
55. I don't care that my checkbook is quite the mess - my, how I've grown!
56. It makes no difference that the Giants do not have an icecap's opportunity in a satanical cult, I still love to see them win.
57. Speaking of which, I wish that I could ice skate.
58. Mostly, I remain the 15 year-old-girl-I-used-to-be, and that's not necessarily an awful thing.
59. Being a mama is the most vital role I play in my life...well, not so much playing as honestly trying to figure it out as I hobble along.
60. I should not have ended the above with a preposition - that is something that bothers me tremendously, but to prove I can overcome, I am not going to change it.
61. Having animals in my life has been a tremendous joy, and I thank my husband for that.
62. Homegrown is almost always better than store-bought.
63. When I have purchased the last 3 items, I will be completely done with my Christmas shopping.
64. I will still buy more, though.
65. This is the first summer that I have actually left the air-conditioning on - it has been significantly more pleasant within the narrow walls of my existence.
66. Playing Scrabble is a creative outlet for me; losing at Scrabble is not something that I take lightly.
67. Actually, I am somewhat frightened that I am not quite as smart as I used to be...or at least, I thought I was.
68. I love my little family.
69. I hope that I will live the rest of my life somewhere else.
70. Being an American does make be proud but not in a haughty sort of way.
71. I wish that I could sing at church with the complete lack of embarrassment of which my husband is capable. (Yes, I originally typed, "which my husband is capable of." I went back and changed it - I am capable of overcoming, but I am not completely void of reason!)
72. I am standing very close to the edge most days.
73. Peets over Starbucks.
74. Before I take an axe to my bangs, I need to get a haircut - an axe is not quite as desperate as it might seem.
75. Entourage is one of the funniest shows...ever.
Monday, August 27, 2007
and then..
26. I enjoy a good waffle for breakfast...and sometimes for dinner.
27. By outward appearances, my life is organized, but all is chaos in my head.
28. I do not always ignore the voices.
29. The virtue of a clean house may be a slight bit exaggerated, not so a clean soul.
30. Except for one or two exceptions, people know pretty much all there is to know about me.
31. No one wants to know the 1 or 2 things that they don't.
32. Happy is a good color on my child.
33. I only recently came to comprehend Ben as the better choice.
34. Don't marry someone you don't love - sometimes love is all you have on which to survive.
35. Maybe my growing-up wasn't as bad as I remember.
36. But maybe it was.
37. I wish my meme were still alive.
38. Who takes the road not taken if it's not taken?
39. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing, but I always opt for knowing anyway.
40. I do not understand time.
41. People depend on me - sometimes that pressure is more than I can adequately sustain.
42. I miss Allie.
43. I should pay more attention.
44. Sleep is one of the few things that is not overrated.
45. I am seriously trying to exist.
46. You can't fully understand until it's happened to you - that's probably okay.
47. Often I am frightened by things or people or places - it has not always been thus.
48. While I can read about it, I do not, generally, appreciate a gory murder scene in a movie.
49. The circle of life is not so much a circle as an oval.
50. Light over darkness every time.
27. By outward appearances, my life is organized, but all is chaos in my head.
28. I do not always ignore the voices.
29. The virtue of a clean house may be a slight bit exaggerated, not so a clean soul.
30. Except for one or two exceptions, people know pretty much all there is to know about me.
31. No one wants to know the 1 or 2 things that they don't.
32. Happy is a good color on my child.
33. I only recently came to comprehend Ben as the better choice.
34. Don't marry someone you don't love - sometimes love is all you have on which to survive.
35. Maybe my growing-up wasn't as bad as I remember.
36. But maybe it was.
37. I wish my meme were still alive.
38. Who takes the road not taken if it's not taken?
39. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing, but I always opt for knowing anyway.
40. I do not understand time.
41. People depend on me - sometimes that pressure is more than I can adequately sustain.
42. I miss Allie.
43. I should pay more attention.
44. Sleep is one of the few things that is not overrated.
45. I am seriously trying to exist.
46. You can't fully understand until it's happened to you - that's probably okay.
47. Often I am frightened by things or people or places - it has not always been thus.
48. While I can read about it, I do not, generally, appreciate a gory murder scene in a movie.
49. The circle of life is not so much a circle as an oval.
50. Light over darkness every time.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
about me - because I can
1. I really like pizza.
2. Although all my sibs have middle names, I do not have one. This has always greatly disturbed me.
3. I made sure my child had a middle name.
4. I like lamb, but don't eat it very often.
5. Organization skills are severely under appreciated.
6. I love my husband.
7. My daughter is my superhero.
8. I am depressed a lot, but I'm happy.
9. Making sense is dramatically over-rated.
10. It is about the destination.
11. Red is the best color....ever.
12. Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch is a true man at his very best.
13. Life is not necessarily what you make it.
14. For me, it's a toss-up between cherries and watermelon.
15. Having it all is much too sinful, but I wouldn't mind having a little.
16. I question Catholicism but not my Catholic faith.
17. Size does not matter.
18. I wish I was healthier.
19. There are not many things I would like to do over.
20. Almost everything I would like to do over has to do with my child.
21. I could have been a much better mommy.
22. I think that I would like to live in the country, but where would I shop?
23. I like to shop.
24. I have very few really great friends.
25. I have two really magnificent relatives.
2. Although all my sibs have middle names, I do not have one. This has always greatly disturbed me.
3. I made sure my child had a middle name.
4. I like lamb, but don't eat it very often.
5. Organization skills are severely under appreciated.
6. I love my husband.
7. My daughter is my superhero.
8. I am depressed a lot, but I'm happy.
9. Making sense is dramatically over-rated.
10. It is about the destination.
11. Red is the best color....ever.
12. Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch is a true man at his very best.
13. Life is not necessarily what you make it.
14. For me, it's a toss-up between cherries and watermelon.
15. Having it all is much too sinful, but I wouldn't mind having a little.
16. I question Catholicism but not my Catholic faith.
17. Size does not matter.
18. I wish I was healthier.
19. There are not many things I would like to do over.
20. Almost everything I would like to do over has to do with my child.
21. I could have been a much better mommy.
22. I think that I would like to live in the country, but where would I shop?
23. I like to shop.
24. I have very few really great friends.
25. I have two really magnificent relatives.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Failing Course
I feel as though I have just flunked a very important test. I studied hard, did fairly well on the quizzes, attended pertinent lectures. I have still fallen way short of where I should be. I do not know if it's worth taking it over; it really does not seem like it, not today anyway.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
My Left Foot
As I was cleaning up my ridiculously-sad-looking toenails following a later-than-usual shower this morning, after a marathon polishing session with my daughter this evening past, it occured to me that my depressed tootsie nails looked significantly worse than my right hand fingernails that have been styled by my so-not-dominant left hand. (Now, there's a sentence for you!) Which brings us, at last, to my finely-whittled point: my toenails are so poorly-polish-covered, they appear to have been saloned by, not my left hand, but, rather, my left foot.
(Feel free to read this entry again - it's tough to resist, I know.)
(Feel free to read this entry again - it's tough to resist, I know.)
Monday, July 09, 2007
I would say
No. We cannot reconcile. I am a different person, not the weak and weepy child you turned me into; that is not me anymore. I cannot abide your lies and your lack of emotion and your bullying. I cannot be around the evil; it makes me evil too. I have a soul and eternity to worry about; so, I must first worry about my life in the present. If I could, this is what I would have said when I was the child you would not defend: no.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
Laugh track
I think that I need to know that I am appreciated...I need to know that people think I'm funny....maybe I need to be appreciated for more than being funny, but maybe I'm not...funny, I mean...or appreciated. I think that I will need to want something else, something that maybe I can actually get.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Road to Hell, Paved, Good Intentions
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Please feed the bear
I know that it's somehow wrong to want, - well, actually, need - the thank you or a little something like it. Honestly, I wish that I didn't; I would certainly feel better about myself, being altruistic and whatnot. What is it about this that I just cannot get over? Just let go, just do not care, just understand that it matters as little to others as it matters so greatly to me. My crooked little path is creeping deeper and deeper into the forest. If I don't turn around soon it will be too late; I'm running out of breadcrumbs.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I'd like to feel differently, truly I would, and I am working hard on that - progress, however, seems to be working against me, but I digress (even depressed, I'm funny!)...probably not even discernible at all to those around me. I guess that's as it should be; I'm hardly noticeable at all. Well, really, not so much me, as the interior, which needs a redo, I understand; I'm working hard on it.
Friday, June 22, 2007
I never knew how far down I was falling
Thanks to Meatloaf on this gorgeous Friday in the a.m.
For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dryFor giving me the answers when I'm asking you why
And my oh my
For that I thank you
For taking in the sun when I'm feeling so cold
For giving me a child when my body is old
And don't you know
For that I need you
For coming to my room when you know I'm alone
For finding me a highway and driving me home
And you gotta know
For that I serve you
For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall
For revving me up when I'm starting to stall
And all in all
For that I want you
For taking and for giving and for playing the game
For praying for my future in the days that remain
Oh lord
For that I hold you
Ah but most of all
For cryin' out loud
For that I love you
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
In the end, you really only have yourself. As I continue to breathe on the planet, it may seem that "others" are there inhaling and exhaling right along with me. The reality is, it's just me, and that sad fact is less obtuse the longer I survive. I'd like to believe that it is otherwise, that sharing is happening (and maybe it is, and I'm just oblivious to it), that I am not as outside as I see myself, but the world grows around me as I shrink within.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Baseball been berry berry good to me
As a little Father's Day gift, and as it was his revered Cardinals, the hubby and I went to the A's game last evening - St. Louis gave a sound 15-6 beating to the pauvre Oakland team. A good time was had by all, yes, indeed.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Lessons Learned
As I am fixing dinner this morning - yes, I AM one of THOSE people! - a song popped up on my ipod (I cannot say thank you enough times to me dearest child), and it isn't even Friday, that seems so in sync (JT et al) with what's been in my heart and on my feeble mind of late. I won't go into it....really not worth taking that journey into my head, trust me on this one! From Barbra Streisand:
don't give up
keep on looking deep inside
let your heartbeat
be your guide
cause there's a gift
for those who keep believing
you'll find what you've been needing
is right before your eyes
you'll hold the answer
in your hands
and then you'll know
you'll finally understand why
why did the right road
take that wrong turn
why did our heart break
and why'd we get burned
just like the seasons
there are reasons
for the path we take
there are no mistakes
just lessons to be learned
keep on looking deep inside
let your heartbeat
be your guide
cause there's a gift
for those who keep believing
you'll find what you've been needing
is right before your eyes
you'll hold the answer
in your hands
and then you'll know
you'll finally understand why
why did the right road
take that wrong turn
why did our heart break
and why'd we get burned
just like the seasons
there are reasons
for the path we take
there are no mistakes
just lessons to be learned
I am coming, at last, having passed many roads-not-taken and more than my share of paving-the-path-to-heaven-with-good-intentions, to grasp some small golden ring on the carousel and accept that maybe it's okay if I am happy from time-to-time. This has been way beyond a wayward journey, and those travelers that I have drug along with me will prayerfully agree, it has proven to be a valuable excursion, afterall. If only I can remember the lessons at the appropriate times, I think that I just might be okay.
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