So, off we went to Vegas to live the high life for a bit - had a wonderful time, enjoyed Celine immensely, gambled very little and shopped quite a lot - it was rather marvelous. By Friday, however, hubby and I were ready to get back home, to our area of comfort, our own little slice of heaven, our puppies, our child.

Now, once again ensconced in the regular trials and moments of joy in my little life, I am, indeed, glad to be back. It is, though, a glimpse of Christmas morning after all the presents have been torn into, that certain kind of light filtering its way through the windows, when there is a tiny taste of letdown, of not quite what was expected, of not precisely, perfectly what was envisioned. It almost never is, and I am grateful...mostly.

Sunday was Mother's Day, and I was honored in the best possible way - my daughter, her boyfriend and my husband made the entire meal - no cooking or cleaning was required of me! Spending a few hours with the three of them made me feel wonderful inside - happy, a relatively unfamiliar sensation in my small portion of the world. I may have mentioned before that other people are not responsible for my happiness, but seeing my daughter in a good, loving relationship, certainly makes my heart cartwheel with sheer glee! While others are not "responsible," for making me joyful, their importance to me requires that they are finding peace and contentment and love in order for me to feel the same; their hurt and sadness has always been mine; so, it is with their joy.

Seated on this warm couch of love, encircled by my loving and loved family - I was honored in the best possible way.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

What do I do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?

Yep, Elton John (well, actually, lyrics by Bernie Taupin) certainly has something there. My mother can send me a million cards; she can have others express her regret with words she is, apparently, incapable of saying herself; "I'm sorry" is not in her make-up. Honestly, after talking to my daughter yesterday, it occurs to me - after she pointed it out! - that no matter what my mother says it will never be enough. The time for the words that I needed and longed to hear has passed; it is too late for this to be the relationship it should have been. I will not believe she is genuine or sincere or honest - she is calculating and manipulative and just plain mean. There was a time that I thought that, perhaps, she had no control over this; it was just the way she was, and she couldn't help it, couldn't help herself. The steps that I have taken on my way to forgiving her, have brought me along a road that led to a realization that my mother has chosen to be the way she is, just as we all make the daily decision to be who and what we are. In recognizing the parts of ourselves that may not be particularly positive or conducive to good relationships, we can decide to change; we can make ourselves better - but we have to want to; we have to care enough; we have to love others more than ourselves. That's hard to do when you are the navel of your universe!

LOS GIGANTES

What an incredible day!! The Giants had a NINE (9) run 5th inning - with Bengie Molina hitting TWO (2) 4-baggers in the same inning - I do not believe that I have ever seen a better baseball game. Having my husband and daughter there made it just about the most wonderful sports day in recent history! I adore the Giants, and I LOVE seeing them play in their house - oh!! and the 300 fans from Venezuela rootin' for my man, Omar - it was beeeaauuutifuuull!!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, dear Hubby!
Happy Birthday to you!

Thank you to Sarah, of PINK CEREAL AND RASPBERRIES fame, for the Five Questions!

1. What is your favorite memory?
Being able to hold my baby in my arms for the first time. It took a few days, an incubator and a lot of tears, but when it happened, I was overwhelmed with tremendous joy and an infinite, unbelievable love.

2. If you could go anywhere in the world, but you would have to stay there for a year, where would you go (and you can't pick anywhere within your home state)?
London, next to my own little place in my own little world, my favorite place in which to exist.

3. What do you like the most about yourself (interpret that as you will)?
This is quite difficult - there is so little. Let's see...I like that I am a mommy the most in terms of my identity. Physically speaking, I think that my hands are my best feature. Personality-wise, I like that I am a bit ballsy.

4. Who's your favorite daughter? j/k. If you could have had another child, what gender would you have wanted, and why?
WOW - another toughie. I love the daughter that I have so very much, it's hard to imagine that I could love another girl equally, but I believe that I could, and that is what I would want to have. My daughter would have had a good playmate, someone with whom to share her family life. Presuming that I would have this child with the same father, I would not want a boy, because I think my husband would have been much too hard on a son.

5. When you're feeing blue, what makes you feel better?
Rum and coke - haha - a phone call or text message from my girl - the mere thought of her puts a smile on my face!

If you'd like to play:
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”
-I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
-You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
-You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
-When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Goodbye

T = terrific

I = inquisitive

M = marvelous

M = meowing

Y = yackety

God bless you. I will love you always.

However

I watched the mother of a dead girl speaking at her only child's memorial service; the anguish and loss and profound grief so overwhelmed me. I, too, am the mother of an only child, a girl. I cannot say that I feel this woman's sorrow; I do not, cannot feel that; the mere thinking of such a tragedy is not something that my head or my heart can even begin to process. I'm so sorry it's you; I'm so glad it's not me - that fine line becomes invisible. But my sympathy for this woman, who lost her best friend, her beautiful child, her blessed daughter, runs deep and true.

I know that a parent of seven children feels this same sorrow. Yet, I have to believe that it is different, somehow. No other child will ever or can ever take the place of the one who has died; no matter how many children there are in the world, there is only one of each. But their babies depend on them to help cope with their sadness; the parenting must go on.

I am the sister of a boy who died. My mother's loss was tremendous, I know. She could not be a mom anymore. My brother died; my father took from me what my mother, in her unimaginable grief, could no longer give him. I not only lost my big brother, I lost my mother and myself as well.

But I don't know gone without good-bye

If I could reach the sky I'd bring her right back to your arms
Though I haven't seen your girl, she's forever in my life

BRIAN LITTRELL - GONE WITHOUT GOODBYE

Yes, I know that there are bigger things to worry about, and I have prayed for the students, faculty, families and gunman involved in the V-Tech massacre. But my world is very small, and in my bubble, I, indeed, understand that bad things happen to good people, and I do not blame God - there are bad people in the world, whether your world be as large as the world actually is or as tiny as my precious one.

The Giants bullpen is working my last nerve, as it is Matt Cain's, I am quite certain.

Yes, I know that there are more important things that happen in the world, heroes abound. But my world includes less than ten people that mean the world to me.

My daughter continues to fill my bubble with pride and joy and happiness. It is a wonderment to me that such a child could have magically and blessedly found her way out of a home that was not always what it should have been; we were all finding our way. She was able to help me grow up and come out (fairly) intact on the otherside, all the while, growing up herself and becoming this amazing woman. I thank her and our Blessed Mother for this; I am well aware that it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

Yes, there are tragedies and there is the overcoming of them. But in my small world, these are the experiences and people that matter.

Oh my! As far as any random weekend goes, this last one was marvelous, darling! Now, you throw in Easter and my birthday, and I have to say this was one of the BEST WEEKENDS EVER! From the beginning (my 51st), to the middle (Easter Vigil...oh, and pie), to the end (Easter Sunday, dinner, a superb dessert, Leo, Mark, Matt and Jack - they weren't dessert, exactly...), it was SUPER FANTASTIC!

Thank you to my wonderful little family for all the love - I truly felt it in a big way!

Seeing the love shared between my child and her beau is a thing of beauty...I don't think there is anything that makes me quite as happy.

I BELIEVE

Another "stolen" entry - but some things just need to be said!

I believe -
. . that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe -
. . that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe -
. . that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you should forgive them for that.

I believe -
. . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe -
. . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe -
. . that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe -
. . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe -
. . that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe -
. . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe -
. . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe -
. . that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe -
. . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe -
. . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe -
. . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe -
. . that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry.

I believe -
. . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe -
. . that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe -
. . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe -
. . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe -
. . that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe -
. . two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe -
. . that your life can be changed in a matter of seconds by people who don't even know you.

I believe -
. . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe -
. . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

Thank you, Mr. Stewart

Forever Young

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
Surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
With a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
And in my heart you will remain
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young
Forever young
Forever young

And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young
Forever young, forever young
For, forever young, forever young

3 not so beautiful things:
1. Shopping for an Easter outfit by myself...so, I didn't, and I won't.
2. Realizing that nothing is the way it's always been.
3. Feeling sorry for myself.

THREE BEAUTIFUL THINGS

In completely no particular order:

1. On Thursday last, my husband received a prestigious award for his work with juveniles, and in a few weeks, my daughter will be receiving an equally prestigious award for her work in youth leadership. (See how I put two beautiful things into one right there? That's the type of non-award winning writing of which I am capable!)

2. Baseball season starts tomorrow - I loves me some baseball, most especially, and some might say, obsessively, the GIANTS!

3. He loves her, and she loves him.

"Our childhood equipped us to deal with weirdness and trauma, but if something good happens,
we don't have a clue."

Marcia Preston
The Butterfly House

"That's Longer Than I've Been Alive!"

Yes, my dear, it certainly is - 29 years of marriage - what is there to say? Having the same arguments for that long...having the same conversations over and over again, and yet, the man continues to surprise me in ways that I cannot really explain. I keep hanging around just to see what will happen next!

Still searching for some meaning in my latest round of medical issues; well, not meaning, I suppose, but rather I don't know what...something that will tie everything together and make some sense. I'm thinking that won't happen - it doesn't exist. This has all brought a new definition to sick and tired...

Her

As I understand, it is Women's History Month, and blogging etiquette dictates dedicating a blog a week to influential women in our lives. I can manage at least one such dedication - I'm not so good with etiquette or rules, in general. My precious daughter, Sarah, has been the woman who has guided my life, directed my morality and saved my sanity...even before she was a woman.

Because of my child, I have tried to be a living example of truth and justice. Even when decisions have been most difficult - and especially when they are - I always have Sarah in my mind...what would she think if I did this? what kind of message would it send her if I did that? The choices that I have made - and continue to make - are always surrounded by her and what she will learn from them and what she will think of me as a result. In this way, she has made life quite easy for me; the knowledge that she watches what I do and say, has forced me to strive to "do the right thing" in all that I encounter - she is as powerful as the threat of Hell for me!

As she has matured into the fine woman that she is, my daughter has provided me with a living example of truth and justice. In the face of adversity or the possibility of exile from friendship, she continually remains true to her ethics, her morality and her faith. Knowing what is important and valuable in this world, she is a lighthouse in a sea swirling with dishonesty and disrespect. Sarah is my own, personal guide in life!

In ways, big and small, my child has saved me from myself; she has preserved my sanity (although, I know, at times, it is a very-nearly-unraveling rope that I hold!). Honestly, and I do not know how else to be, I believe that God sent her to me to allow me the opportunity to change my life, to make me better, to permit me to overcome. And she has done all of that - and so much more - for me. I thank God for her; I thank her for her. I love her completely and absolutely and unconditionally. She is the woman who has most influenced my life.

Final Installment

A few more things that I enjoy:

planting for the summer harvest
ordinary time
taking a vacation
breakfast with the girls
birthdays
a good, hearty, real laugh
office supplies - another sickness
alphabetizing
orderliness, in general
thinking about the GIANTS games we will attend
my girl in love
new pajamas
a good cry - not the reasons for it, but the cry itself
getting to the other side
mix cds that my daughter has made for me
knowing that my husband loves me no matter what
being Catholic - the Mass, Communion, the guilt (!!!), all of it

Hey, Wait, There's More...

I also enjoy:

Paradise by the Dashboard Lights
baseball season
Snickers
playing Scrabble
making lists
attending Mass anywhere in the world and knowing exactly what to do
going to Costco - it's a sickness
working in the yard
coming across random pictures of my daughter
MY DAUGHTER!!!!!
knowing that I can teach
the 4th of July
getting money in the mail
a really good movie
red vines
date night