but there's this...

76. I need validation too much.
77. Most of the time, too much of something is really too much.
78. I like to think that I have let go, but it may be of the wrong things.
79. Growing-up, no matter how old you are, is wrought with pitfalls and false floors and all manner of obtuse things. Grow-up anyway.
80. Being the person that I should be is not as close to the person that I am as I would like it to be.
81. I don't like being misunderstood.
82. Going back to not asking is probably a safer road to take at this point.
83. Outside still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does.
84. What is to become of us?
85. While change isn't always good, sometimes, it really is.
86. I don't remember the Alamo, and I don't care.
87. Weekends are starting to be kinda crappy.
88. I don't have to just go along if I don't want to just go along.
89. I thought for a second that life was getting easier. I was mistaken.
90. Mail is becoming less and less interesting.
91. I'd like to take a break from myself for a while; I can be pretty intense.
92. What appears on the surface to be easy or simple or comfortable may be none of those things.
93. If you don't want to know, don't ask. There's a good reason for me keeping a lot to myself.
94. It's not crazy or ironic or incongruous to feel lonely when you're not alone.
95. Sometimes being tired is simply that. I don't think that a good nap has ever really hurt anyone.
96. I don't think that anyone outside of San Francisco really gives a shit about Barry Bonds.
97. I adore the Giants. I do not give a shit about Barry Bonds.
98. Eventually, I hope that I will turn the corner.
99. Maybe I should start by going back to mass on a regular basis.
100. Some things are just too firmly ingrained; I cannot get beyond some of those.

also...

51. Omar!
52. I don't know that preparation really alleviates any anxiety.
53. It is often much more challenging to be bad than to be good.
54. My checkbook is quite the mess.
55. I don't care that my checkbook is quite the mess - my, how I've grown!
56. It makes no difference that the Giants do not have an icecap's opportunity in a satanical cult, I still love to see them win.
57. Speaking of which, I wish that I could ice skate.
58. Mostly, I remain the 15 year-old-girl-I-used-to-be, and that's not necessarily an awful thing.
59. Being a mama is the most vital role I play in my life...well, not so much playing as honestly trying to figure it out as I hobble along.
60. I should not have ended the above with a preposition - that is something that bothers me tremendously, but to prove I can overcome, I am not going to change it.
61. Having animals in my life has been a tremendous joy, and I thank my husband for that.
62. Homegrown is almost always better than store-bought.
63. When I have purchased the last 3 items, I will be completely done with my Christmas shopping.
64. I will still buy more, though.
65. This is the first summer that I have actually left the air-conditioning on - it has been significantly more pleasant within the narrow walls of my existence.
66. Playing Scrabble is a creative outlet for me; losing at Scrabble is not something that I take lightly.
67. Actually, I am somewhat frightened that I am not quite as smart as I used to be...or at least, I thought I was.
68. I love my little family.
69. I hope that I will live the rest of my life somewhere else.
70. Being an American does make be proud but not in a haughty sort of way.
71. I wish that I could sing at church with the complete lack of embarrassment of which my husband is capable. (Yes, I originally typed, "which my husband is capable of." I went back and changed it - I am capable of overcoming, but I am not completely void of reason!)
72. I am standing very close to the edge most days.
73. Peets over Starbucks.
74. Before I take an axe to my bangs, I need to get a haircut - an axe is not quite as desperate as it might seem.
75. Entourage is one of the funniest shows...ever.

and then..

26. I enjoy a good waffle for breakfast...and sometimes for dinner.
27. By outward appearances, my life is organized, but all is chaos in my head.
28. I do not always ignore the voices.
29. The virtue of a clean house may be a slight bit exaggerated, not so a clean soul.
30. Except for one or two exceptions, people know pretty much all there is to know about me.
31. No one wants to know the 1 or 2 things that they don't.
32. Happy is a good color on my child.
33. I only recently came to comprehend Ben as the better choice.
34. Don't marry someone you don't love - sometimes love is all you have on which to survive.
35. Maybe my growing-up wasn't as bad as I remember.
36. But maybe it was.
37. I wish my meme were still alive.
38. Who takes the road not taken if it's not taken?
39. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing, but I always opt for knowing anyway.
40. I do not understand time.
41. People depend on me - sometimes that pressure is more than I can adequately sustain.
42. I miss Allie.
43. I should pay more attention.
44. Sleep is one of the few things that is not overrated.
45. I am seriously trying to exist.
46. You can't fully understand until it's happened to you - that's probably okay.
47. Often I am frightened by things or people or places - it has not always been thus.
48. While I can read about it, I do not, generally, appreciate a gory murder scene in a movie.
49. The circle of life is not so much a circle as an oval.
50. Light over darkness every time.

about me - because I can

1. I really like pizza.
2. Although all my sibs have middle names, I do not have one. This has always greatly disturbed me.
3. I made sure my child had a middle name.
4. I like lamb, but don't eat it very often.
5. Organization skills are severely under appreciated.
6. I love my husband.
7. My daughter is my superhero.
8. I am depressed a lot, but I'm happy.
9. Making sense is dramatically over-rated.
10. It is about the destination.
11. Red is the best color....ever.
12. Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch is a true man at his very best.
13. Life is not necessarily what you make it.
14. For me, it's a toss-up between cherries and watermelon.
15. Having it all is much too sinful, but I wouldn't mind having a little.
16. I question Catholicism but not my Catholic faith.
17. Size does not matter.
18. I wish I was healthier.
19. There are not many things I would like to do over.
20. Almost everything I would like to do over has to do with my child.
21. I could have been a much better mommy.
22. I think that I would like to live in the country, but where would I shop?
23. I like to shop.
24. I have very few really great friends.
25. I have two really magnificent relatives.

Failing Course

I feel as though I have just flunked a very important test. I studied hard, did fairly well on the quizzes, attended pertinent lectures. I have still fallen way short of where I should be. I do not know if it's worth taking it over; it really does not seem like it, not today anyway.

My Left Foot

As I was cleaning up my ridiculously-sad-looking toenails following a later-than-usual shower this morning, after a marathon polishing session with my daughter this evening past, it occured to me that my depressed tootsie nails looked significantly worse than my right hand fingernails that have been styled by my so-not-dominant left hand. (Now, there's a sentence for you!) Which brings us, at last, to my finely-whittled point: my toenails are so poorly-polish-covered, they appear to have been saloned by, not my left hand, but, rather, my left foot.

(Feel free to read this entry again - it's tough to resist, I know.)

I would say

No. We cannot reconcile. I am a different person, not the weak and weepy child you turned me into; that is not me anymore. I cannot abide your lies and your lack of emotion and your bullying. I cannot be around the evil; it makes me evil too. I have a soul and eternity to worry about; so, I must first worry about my life in the present. If I could, this is what I would have said when I was the child you would not defend: no.

So, the haze is beginning to fade, ever so slightly. The tunnel is not quite so gloomy; I'm still in it, but can see that there may, possibly be a way out. I am not quite convinced, however, but there is, at least, hope now.

Laugh track

I think that I need to know that I am appreciated...I need to know that people think I'm funny....maybe I need to be appreciated for more than being funny, but maybe I'm not...funny, I mean...or appreciated. I think that I will need to want something else, something that maybe I can actually get.

Road to Hell, Paved, Good Intentions

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

Please feed the bear

I know that it's somehow wrong to want, - well, actually, need - the thank you or a little something like it. Honestly, I wish that I didn't; I would certainly feel better about myself, being altruistic and whatnot. What is it about this that I just cannot get over? Just let go, just do not care, just understand that it matters as little to others as it matters so greatly to me. My crooked little path is creeping deeper and deeper into the forest. If I don't turn around soon it will be too late; I'm running out of breadcrumbs.

I'd like to feel differently, truly I would, and I am working hard on that - progress, however, seems to be working against me, but I digress (even depressed, I'm funny!)...probably not even discernible at all to those around me. I guess that's as it should be; I'm hardly noticeable at all. Well, really, not so much me, as the interior, which needs a redo, I understand; I'm working hard on it.

I never knew how far down I was falling

Thanks to Meatloaf on this gorgeous Friday in the a.m.

For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dry
For giving me the answers when I'm asking you why
And my oh my
For that I thank you

For taking in the sun when I'm feeling so cold
For giving me a child when my body is old
And don't you know
For that I need you

For coming to my room when you know I'm alone
For finding me a highway and driving me home
And you gotta know
For that I serve you

For pulling me away when I'm starting to fall
For revving me up when I'm starting to stall
And all in all
For that I want you

For taking and for giving and for playing the game
For praying for my future in the days that remain
Oh lord
For that I hold you

Ah but most of all
For cryin' out loud
For that I love you

In the end, you really only have yourself. As I continue to breathe on the planet, it may seem that "others" are there inhaling and exhaling right along with me. The reality is, it's just me, and that sad fact is less obtuse the longer I survive. I'd like to believe that it is otherwise, that sharing is happening (and maybe it is, and I'm just oblivious to it), that I am not as outside as I see myself, but the world grows around me as I shrink within.

Baseball been berry berry good to me

As a little Father's Day gift, and as it was his revered Cardinals, the hubby and I went to the A's game last evening - St. Louis gave a sound 15-6 beating to the pauvre Oakland team. A good time was had by all, yes, indeed.

Lessons Learned

As I am fixing dinner this morning - yes, I AM one of THOSE people! - a song popped up on my ipod (I cannot say thank you enough times to me dearest child), and it isn't even Friday, that seems so in sync (JT et al) with what's been in my heart and on my feeble mind of late. I won't go into it....really not worth taking that journey into my head, trust me on this one! From Barbra Streisand:

don't give up
keep on looking deep inside
let your heartbeat
be your guide
cause there's a gift
for those who keep believing
you'll find what you've been needing
is right before your eyes
you'll hold the answer
in your hands
and then you'll know
you'll finally understand why
why did the right road
take that wrong turn
why did our heart break
and why'd we get burned
just like the seasons
there are reasons
for the path we take
there are no mistakes
just lessons to be learned

I am coming, at last, having passed many roads-not-taken and more than my share of paving-the-path-to-heaven-with-good-intentions, to grasp some small golden ring on the carousel and accept that maybe it's okay if I am happy from time-to-time. This has been way beyond a wayward journey, and those travelers that I have drug along with me will prayerfully agree, it has proven to be a valuable excursion, afterall. If only I can remember the lessons at the appropriate times, I think that I just might be okay.

Manger tout son soûl

I got tagged by pink cereal & raspberries, and now it's my turn to list my five favorite places to eat...here you go:

1. Alioto's - the absolute BEST place to enjoy friends, family and seafood in San Francisco!
2. Mimi's - the food is pretty good, but mostly, it is a place of comfort where I have met my two dearest friends many a morning over the last 16 years or so....
3. Baker's Square - for dessert only, but dessert is food!
4. Home - my husband's bbq is the GREATEST FOOD EVER!!
5. La maison de ma fille - My daughter makes things that I simply cannot - delectable pies, beautiful salads (that include home-made croutons - seriously!) - as I am of the easy-cake-and-cookies-afternoon-snack genre and the lettuce-and-tomatoes-voila-a-side-salad variety, I truly appreciate the effort and love that go into her most delicious tasty treats!

So, off we went to Vegas to live the high life for a bit - had a wonderful time, enjoyed Celine immensely, gambled very little and shopped quite a lot - it was rather marvelous. By Friday, however, hubby and I were ready to get back home, to our area of comfort, our own little slice of heaven, our puppies, our child.

Now, once again ensconced in the regular trials and moments of joy in my little life, I am, indeed, glad to be back. It is, though, a glimpse of Christmas morning after all the presents have been torn into, that certain kind of light filtering its way through the windows, when there is a tiny taste of letdown, of not quite what was expected, of not precisely, perfectly what was envisioned. It almost never is, and I am grateful...mostly.

Sunday was Mother's Day, and I was honored in the best possible way - my daughter, her boyfriend and my husband made the entire meal - no cooking or cleaning was required of me! Spending a few hours with the three of them made me feel wonderful inside - happy, a relatively unfamiliar sensation in my small portion of the world. I may have mentioned before that other people are not responsible for my happiness, but seeing my daughter in a good, loving relationship, certainly makes my heart cartwheel with sheer glee! While others are not "responsible," for making me joyful, their importance to me requires that they are finding peace and contentment and love in order for me to feel the same; their hurt and sadness has always been mine; so, it is with their joy.

Seated on this warm couch of love, encircled by my loving and loved family - I was honored in the best possible way.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

What do I do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?

Yep, Elton John (well, actually, lyrics by Bernie Taupin) certainly has something there. My mother can send me a million cards; she can have others express her regret with words she is, apparently, incapable of saying herself; "I'm sorry" is not in her make-up. Honestly, after talking to my daughter yesterday, it occurs to me - after she pointed it out! - that no matter what my mother says it will never be enough. The time for the words that I needed and longed to hear has passed; it is too late for this to be the relationship it should have been. I will not believe she is genuine or sincere or honest - she is calculating and manipulative and just plain mean. There was a time that I thought that, perhaps, she had no control over this; it was just the way she was, and she couldn't help it, couldn't help herself. The steps that I have taken on my way to forgiving her, have brought me along a road that led to a realization that my mother has chosen to be the way she is, just as we all make the daily decision to be who and what we are. In recognizing the parts of ourselves that may not be particularly positive or conducive to good relationships, we can decide to change; we can make ourselves better - but we have to want to; we have to care enough; we have to love others more than ourselves. That's hard to do when you are the navel of your universe!